The School Librarian. Ugh...

I don't remember for sure what reminded me of this - oh wait, I read an article about the blue moon this month and looked up pictures of the moon, and then the lunar eclipse, and then the solar eclipse, and that reminded me of Every Soul a Star. That reminded me of my many disagreements with the school librarian.

Where to start...perhaps last year. Last year there were two librarians, but the other one (the nice, reasonable, cat lover who read a lot of the same books) is at a different school every year. So now I have to talk to the other one. For one thing, she has a lisp, which you tend to ignore after a while, but it's kinda annoying, none the less.

Well, I suppose our main quarrel is books. It's not like an ongoing argument, more of a mutual agreement to not talk about books. She loves Every Soul a Star. She hates the Maximum Ride series. Et cetera. The only book/series we agree on is that the Young Wizards series is great, but I think we'd disagree if we went into detail.

Also, she's a dog lover. I hate dog lovers. I can't stand them. They like dogs because of their personality, and I disagree with that sort of person. I don't know why, I just do. Cat lovers however...opposite story.

Of course, she also is rather like my mom in that she takes a debate as argument, and is very easily offended. Me and my friends love debating little things, which the librarian takes as nitpicking/picking a fight and we take as debating/correcting. Again, like my mom. I am being suffocated by these oppresive people.

"I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there.
I've become so tired,
So much more aware.
I'm becoming this,
All I want to do.
Is be more like me
And be less like you." - Numb, Linkin Park.

That is like, my favorite verse out of all the Linkin Park music I've listened to, which I admit isn't much, but hey, how much music can they have performed, anyways?

That verse/refrain/chorus/whatever sooooo sums up my opinion towards these oppressive people.

Bodybuilding can be wrong

Well, something that always bothered me was something my fifth-grade teacher said once. She had a friend who was a female bodybuilder, but she lost muscle intentionally because she thought it wasn't right or something. Well, anyone can bodybuild, not just men.

However, I somehow ran across this picture:

That's just not right. Not because she's a woman, though. It's not right for anyone to have muscles like that. It's creepy. *shivers*


I had a strange breakfast this morning.

I was hungry so I decided to gather food in the kitchen. I ate a bowl of cereal, and then dug two circus peanuts (orange, peanut-shaped marshmallows) and a cherry-flavored candy cane out of my stocking, and then I got a candy-cane shaped cookie from the Christmas cookie box, AKA large tupperware 3d rectangle with layers of frosted sugar cookies seperated by layers of wax paper. I've eaten all except the candy cane now. It was a good breakfast.

I love the holidays, when I can get away with this sort of thing.

Something of interest

Lately, I've been listening to two different radio stations instead of my usual one. I've been feeling like listening to different music, I guess. Well, something I never knew before, since I rarely listen to this other radio station, is that they have a movie audio clip quiz. I always miss the part where they play the clip, but whenever they're talking about the quiz, there is this music in the background. It sounds literally exactly like the music in the pyramids in Earthbound. Hmm...

What is Christmas really about?

For me, Christmas was always about giving presents. I wouldn't have minded much if I didn't get anything, as long as I gave things away. I said it was about Jesus's birthday, to keep the peace, if my mom or grandma ever asked me what I thought. But as I grew older, I've been realizing more and more that for me, it's not about Jesus's birthday. It's about family and friends, and exchanging gifts, and showing you care, even if you have trouble showing you care most of the time.

I had to go to the Christmas mass just a little while ago. UGH. We had to leave half an hour early, and then mass was an hour and a half. Two hours wasted.

Of course, a related issue is Santa Claus. Santa is some other language's word for Saint, and Claus is short for Nicholas. My question is, why don't we call him Santa Nick? Anyways, on Coast to Coast AM last night, they were talking about if it was good to decieve your kids. In related conversations with my mom, she warned me that Adam might ask me if Santa is real. I decided that if he does (which he hasn't yet, to clarify) I will say that I believe in Saint Nicholas. After all, he anonymously gave gifts, kind of like parents saying presents are from Santa when they're from them. It's the same general idea.

For me, Christmastime has different meaning, but perhaps it has more meaning.

Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

One of the things that pisses me off about PE, probably the only thing about it that I hate that is not sports-related, is that every frickin day, they absolutely have to play the song, "I Can't Fight this Feeling." At first I thought it was a kind of nice song, but now it just annoys me.

Well, earlier, the lines, "You're a candle in the window/on a cold dark winter's night," randomly popped into my head. It took a bit to remember what it was from, and then I realized something. A cold dark Winters night. Like Winters, from Earthbound. Interesting. Could it be JeffxTony is haunting me? I know Tony is gay and likes Jeff, but some people seem to think they'd make a cute couple. Weird, in my opinion, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Oh god, what have I done?! I just hope no JeffxTony shippers see this.

The Value of Material Goods

The three most important things in my life, the things that have the most value to me, are my necklace and my two bracelets. All three were bought cheaply.

The necklace's story can be found here. As for the bracelets...

I have a new friend. I'll call her Macarra because she likes that name. Her family isn't exactly wealthy, but they're well off enough. The main thing we have in common is music. I was fairly lucky as far as music goes. I got to take piano lessons, I grew up on the piano... However, Macarra did not. She always wanted a piano, but only had a small, cheap keyboard. We met in band class; we're both flute players. We only met at the beginning of this year.

At some point, in band, she picked up my arm and slipped two bracelets onto my wrist: one silvery with a simple, repetitive design cut into it, and one black with glitter.

We had talked about her many bracelets before. There was one day at the library, she told me the story of her special one, and about how she got the rest in a set, but she refused to tell me how she got them. As for the special one, she saw it laying by a door as she was going to jazz band after school (before I joined). After band, it was still there, but she still left it there. The next morning, she woke up with it on her wrist.

One day, I went to Wal*Mart. I was looking for a keychain and I saw sets of bracelets in various colors, and some were the same as hers.

I can see why she was ashamed. She didn't want to look poor. But what I've never told her is that I know where she got the bracelets, and that I don't mind. One of my beliefs about material things is that if you care about it, it gains value seperate from monetary value. For instance, my laptop was good, but relatively cheap. It wouldn't sell for much. But it's precious. It holds my files, it's my portal to the rest of the world. It's the gateway to information. For me, it's priceless. For someone else, it's maybe $500.

My point is, monetary value is nowhere near as imporrtant as emotional significance. Once you care about something, it seems to come to life in your heart, and it matters to you, even if no one else gives a damn.

Good Friends/Bad Friends

Well, I was looking through the Mother 2 piano book some more and I found a song I didn't recognize. I played through a few pages - unlike most of the songs in the book it's pretty long. I realized it sounded a lot like Get on the Bus, a song by Virt on the Bound Together album, easily a favorite. I was kinda tired and didn't feel like attempting to read more Japanese, but I did, and it was called, "Good Friends/Bad Friends". I was pretty much like, "What kind of a name is that?? Are they implying the chosen four are not friends or something?" Now I realize it could have meant all the people the characters meet, but gimme a break. Well, I looked it up, listened to it, and now I'm just sitting around wondering why I don't recognize it, and also why the candle won't stop flickering.

Not ANOTHER to add to the list

I have three syndromes: Asperger's, femoral-patella(did I spell that right), and Spontaneous Giggling Syndrome. I also am rather paranoid, but not to an extreme. Well, I was curious what schizotypal means. Yeah, I had a vague idea, but I was kinda curious because of this. Well, I found this quiz and went through it, andswering the questions, only to find it was an email one. Well, I found it interesting either way, as I went through answering "yes" to almost every question. It seems almost like some sort of cross between AS and paranoia. Wait, scratch "almost" from that last sentence.


Lately I've been burning candles a lot. I have three candles. Two I got a long time ago, one is recent. The first I burned (I've only burned it twice) is from Wal*Mart, but I don't mind. It's a container candle, with three different shades of blue. I also have one I got at the coast guard store (it's like, a cheaper store for uniformed service people or something like that). It's a little strawberry candle, in a nice container I'm not going to try to explain. Maybe I'll put up a picture. It's just a weird container. The third is a pillar candle, again from Wal*Mart because in this town, our main store is Wal*Mart, it's either there or some overpriced little local shop with a tiny selection, or Safeway. Kinda sad, huh? Well, I also got a little holder for it, which is a good thing because one time a hole appeared in an edge, and wax dripped out, and then that part kinda collapsed. Well, it would have gotten on my new shelves under my loft bed, so it's good there was that plate thing there. If you've ever had to clean up dried candle wax, you'll know it's not easy to get it all off.

Anyways, lately I've been just lighting the pillar candle and turning off the lights and listening to music or playing The Sims 2 or something. It's surprisingly fun :D

Mother 2 on Piano

I forgot to mention something very significant I got for my birthday: the Mother 2 piano book. I've had my eye on this particular piece of merch for a while now...

When I opened it, I wasn't even sure if I should take it out of the shipping packaging that my mom wrapped it in. Well, I had to, and I even bent the spine slightly to keep it open. Of course, it's in Japanese, but the songs are listed in Engrish. Here's the list:

Saturn Valley
Doko Doko Desert
Winters (there are four songs listed here, so I suppose this is just the name of the place where it is played)
Ramma (I played it, I think it's Dalaam)
Scarabi (three songs here)
Cursed Jungles
Gumi Village
The Under World (yes, it's written like that)
Love & Peace
Magicant (two songs here)
Ending (two songs here as well)

I can read kana (but sometimes I mix them up T_T) and some kanji, and the only song name I could read all of that wasn't entirely katakana was the Summers song. It's "プライヴェートな" except with this kanji at the end (I had to copy all those kana from wikipedia because I can't type them on my computer, and I couldn't find that kanji in normal, typed form). So basically something like "private air"? Maybe I just have a strange sense of humor, but that's kinda funny, and it does fit Summers. I like looking through the book and seeing what they decided to name the songs that I can read the names of. I should start studying Japanese again. Well, I am planning to join the Japanese club at school, so that will be good inspiration.

Also, something else about the book, at the beginning of every song, there are (since I'm tired of copying and pasting I'll just type it normally, it's in katakana by the way) "pureingu pointo"'s. Playing points. Too bad I can't read any of them. But I know how the songs are supposed to sound, so I can probably figure it out. Also, in the back there are musical terms explained, but they're in Japanese, but I'm proficient enough in playing the piano that I don't really need them. I wonder if they're there because the game inspired people to learn piano or something.

It kinda reminds me of a (very old) book my grandma has that my mom photocopied that has explanations of the dynamics and stuff like that, and some of the first few explain things like key signature. As you go through the book, it gets harder. Basically, at the beginning there are songs like "The Cellist" (which I've never heard before) and "Minuet in G" by Bach (I think); about halfway through, there's Fur Elise, and kinda near the end, there are songs I haven't heard of, but there's one called, "The Fountain."

That piano book has awesomeosityness.

Another Year Older Yesterday

It was my birthday yesterday.

I suppose, compared to other years, I didn't get much, but I don't have the words to say how significant some of the things I got were.

Let's start with the first two I opened: my little brothers'. Both wanted me to open theirs first, but since Gabe wasn't annoying me at the moment, I opened his. Kirby's Dream Land! I've been asking for that game for literally months, almost six months now. For an "easy" game it's kinda hard. I'm stuck.

Adam got me the I Can Has Cheezburger book, the first one. First thing after opening everything, I read the entire book in one sitting. It's short though. Then this morning I read it to Gabe. Well, now I've read the entire book twice. Of course, when I read it to Gabe, I skipped a couple I knew wouldn't interest him, and I left a word off of one of them, because that word was "dammit".

I got a bunch of stuff from my mom. I got the shirt I partly designed, partly copied. It looks like this:

Now if I get a hat, jean shorts, and black shoes I can cosplay! Not that there's any conventions in Southeast Alaska, but hey, if I'm ever in the Lower 48 while there's something going on...

Well, I also got an iPod Video. Yes, generation 5. I seem to be having trouble with the video part, but hopefully I'll get that fixed. I spent like an hour fixing my music collection so I could easily move it to my iPod. I am now listening to Get on the Bus, by virt, from Bound Together. I skipped to the last three songs because they're my favorites on the album.

Now I can give my 2nd gen. nano to my friend whose mp3 player just broke. The thing we both love the most is music, so I understand her pain. She's my closest friend even though I've only known her since the beginning of the school year.

Probably the funniest thing I got was something from my favorite aunt. I got this box with a picture of a silver bag with some kind of makeup in front of it, so I was hoping it wasn't make up. I was kinda disappointed when it was, but I couldn't figure out what it was exactly. My mom was recording me opening the presents, so she kept asking me what it was until I finally gave up and said, "I don't really know." I found what looked like a pencil sharpener inside. My mom tried putting some on her finger to see if it was lip gloss, but although it had a taste, it didn't really show up. So finally one of us (her) had the sense to look on the box, and on the back, it said it was some sort of write-on perfume. How odd. Well, I decided to put some on this morning when I decided to get dressed like half an hour ago at about noon. It's a lot nicer than normal perfume, all three are nice, fresh smells compared to most perfumes. I'm also wearing what I call the Saturnshirt.

Oh yeah, and I finally got a decent iTunes gift card. Still, only 25 dollars...will that even last that long considering my huge list of music I need to get?

Overall, once I got home from spending the afternoon at the dentist (check ups just happened to be this time of year, and the only time available was my birthday and since my mom works at the clinic's pharmacy, I didn't get home until she got off work) it was a nice night. Stroganoff for dinner, presents, cheesecake with raspberries...but oddly I didn't feel like abusing the fact that it was my birthday and ordering my brothers around. I probably should have, but I didn't feel like it.

Okay I really should eat lunch soon.

the impossible

The near-impossible has happened...a comment! It can be found here. Although I kinda have a vague suspicion it was a spambot or something. I mean, the comment appeared right after I posted. Oh well.

At least now I know that comment-notification thingy works.

Even more religious stuff

I found a couple more Yahoo Answers pages about Catholicism questions, and I read them just to see what people said. I found one answer I liked.

They said that religions are like the story of the blind men and the elephant. They all see a different part of the picture, and interpret it wrong, but if they would've worked together, they could have found out what it was.

So basically, I eventually plan to study many religions to figure out something that seems correct. I remember an epsode of The Simpsons, I think it was a Treehouse of Horror, and I don't remember much, but I do remember Homer died and he asked what the true religion was so that he would know before he died. It was a cross of two religions, I know one was Buddism. I see Buddism as interesting, something to read about at some point.

More religious stuff

So, I was reading this, and I know Yahoo Answers isn't really trustworthy, but there was a good answer, and it was a good question. Or more like many good questions. They're all about Christianity.

I like this part of the answer: "But by reading the Bible, we find that we are all evil, so we shouldn't persecute anyone."

My philosophy is that before you insult someone, to their face or otherwise, you should look in a mirror (figuratively, not literally) and decide if you really should be insulting people. A saying I like is, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I think it's from the Bible, a parable, to be more specific. Or maybe a gospel. Does it matter?

Anyways, someone sinned, they were going to stone them, but someone (Jesus?) said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Of course, I could be completely wrong about all of this.

I love that quote.


Well, that is very true. In all the times I've gone to church, only the newer priest has spoken against homosexuality (I don't like him for many reasons, and that is one of them), and I have never once heard a bible reading that says anything against gays. And yet everyone (Catholic) gets all upset at gays for being the way they are, and ignores the greedy, vain people.

That is just sad.


There is something I overheard twice today. It's rather interesting. From what I heard, I may be wrong, but it sounds like a fairly popular girl is a lesbian coming out of the closet. I know the second time, in algebra, I heard someone ask her something like, "Are you bi, or just gay?" And I KNOW I heard something similar in band.

For some reason, she always kinda struck me as a lesbian. I don't know why. Maybe I'm accidentally scanning, but I just had a feeling for no reason at all that she might be lesbian. Odd.

Oh yeah. I forgot something. In algebra, I think I also heard someone say something like, "So you're like a guy now?" lol. If lesbians acted like guys, then wouldn't the relationship be a lot like a gay relationship? And I'm a bi, and I don't really act like a girl or a boy. But I have an excuse: asperger's. Not interested in girly stuff like fashion, and not interested in manly stuff like sports? Am I like some sort of pseudo-tomboy? Or maybe I'm just more normal than I think.

It's interesting. I've always kinda considered this girl to be hot, but probably not lesbian and most likely way out of my league. And now she seems to be the school's only out-of-the-closet lesbian. Of course, I don't think I was meant to overhear any of that conversation...


I remember a website, It was a psionics site.

A couple years later, I went to see if it was there.

It is now a poultry organization's website.


I found that out a couple of months ago, but lately, I got kinda curious about whether or not KFC really tortures chickens.

I found somewhere (I don't remember where) a page that said that one of their suppliers did at least once, and they at least pretended to attempt to stop this. Well, that page had a link to this page - whaddaya know, I'm back at UPC.

By the time I found UPC(the psionics one) it was practically dead. The newest forums posts were almost all about a year old, and the chat room was full of weirdoes who clearly spent all of their time in that stupid place. *sigh* I even remember there was a seminar, and it turned out they had been looking at last year's calendar - there was no seminar, it was a false alarm.

Still, despite all that, I think it would be best if they were still around, because who knows if they had any archived stuff that would be useful.

I need to start practicing again.

Still no bf...or gf

I was asked out once, in seventh grade.

It was a boy who goes to the church I pretend to go to. A complete pervert, literally the worst in the school. Never shuts up, pisses everyone off constantly. You get the picture.

I had a crush on someone else, and I really didn't like this boy who asked me out, so I turned him down. Unfortunately, now everyone assumes I don't want to date anyone

I know a lot of people consider me a little young for that sort of thing. Well you know what? There's a girl my age or younger who had a baby. Yes, at my school. So I really don't think a boyfriend would be out of the picture.

Or a girlfriend. What a lot of people don't suspect is that I'm bi.

So far, I have had three crushes, not counting the little kid "I want to marry him when I grow up" sort of crush. I mean like, I can't wait to see them, make a point of talking to them and laughing at them.

The first, I didn't even realize until recently that it was a crush. It was a close friend, about my height. Blonde, goofy, funny...a girl. Well, once I grew out of that phase of liking her without realizing it, our friendship fractured after almost a decade. She had been my first friend when I moved in, and my most consistent friend. And then last year I asked her for some advice and you know what she did? She made fun of me and abandoned me when I needed someone to talk to.

The second was also an old friend, but a boy. Again, about my height. Dark, wavy hair that he always had brushed nicely. I hadn't known him as long as the last one, but close. I had always thought he was rather annoying, but then between elementary school and middle school, I started missing him in particular. I began dressing nicely in the hopes I'd see him. I had a crush on him for almost a year before deciding to give up.

Well, now I find myself crushing again...another boy about my height. I am short and I don't like being around tall people, especially if they're male. I've never been as comfortable around guys, anyways.

I also kinda like a girl, but she's Catholic and probably against homosexuality so I really doubt I'd have a chance. Also, I never really seem to think of guys as hot, just ladies. But I know this is the sort of town where having a girlfriend if you're a girl is not good. It's a small town, so your parents will almost certainly find out quickly. On top of that, even acting gay is practically considered a horrible crime.

I thought this country was supposed to be free? Wasn't the point of this country so that people could follow their own religion without being persecuted? So why do these "conservatives" think they have the right to ban same-sex marriage? It should be legal in all states, not just a few, simply because this is a country in which things are supposed to be that way. I suppose you could even argue that the government isn't protecting our natural rights, by blocking certain citizens' persuit of happiness by not making same-sex marriage legal. But of course, even in cases like this, that sort of thing has to be voted on, even though it makes perfect sense.

321 Mother

So a few days ago I found a link to this at Earthbound Central. Very interesting. I only got to finish it now.

I thought it was funny how she saw The Jacket and wanted to say "Who are you and what is your mission?!" but was too freaked out over The Jacket. It's a shame there's not much info on The Jacket.

What I though was interesting were these two parts:

"Americans always get jealous of Japan for all the game stuff they get, and yeah they have cool toys and stuff but I’m really impressed, after what I’ve seen, with the new level that Fangamer is taking this to. They really don’t have anything like it out there, just blatant copyright merch straight from Nintendo."

"...the response was so overwhelming that they thought it would only be a far-off dream for them to, sigh, actually get a Japanese copy of the MOTHER 3 handbook. They all said it made their own official guidebooks look pitiful. I felt it was really ironic. We are always the ones that drool over Japanese stuff. Perhaps we, unlike Nintendo of America, can make their dream come true?"

Something I find interesting is they type of people the Mother series attracts: weird, artsy people. People who take things into their own hands. People who love a good tale. People who love to celebrate all things odd. People who are clever hackers or translators. People who take things into their own hands.

It's incredible how much the fanbase accomplished. Just look at the Mother 3 translation. Not only did they need translators, but hax0rz (did I spell that right?). There is an internet radio for Mother fans. And you only need to glance at the art, music, and fanfics at alone. Not that I particularly like But I don't think anywhere near as much would have been done without them. For a fan translation to happen, there must be some organization. Also, the only reason I started doing fanart was because I saw the incredible work there. It's nice how it's organized like that.

However, they're not perfect. The forums - where do I even begin??? Avoid them. Please. The forum is unwelcoming and somewhat corrupted. And yet so much of what goes on at happens there - something about that doesn't make sense. Like how people post comics there without submitting them to the main site - wtf? Why not add them to the collection so people later on can see them? Like, aren't there more Mani Mani Tales comics added on, but only in the forums? I'm confused. And I don't have time to search throughout that place to see everything. I don't have time in my life to even look at forums, let alone scour them for this sort of thing. I hardly have time for my art and piano anymore. My life feels like it's falling to pieces.

I desperately need balance in my life. Now I've been trying to become more social at school, I've found I'm less focused on other things. My algebra grade is way lower this quarter than last quarter, and I never remember to practice my flute. Now on top of homework and stuff, I have to worry about Christmas presents???

Someday URLs will be given out for free

Something strange I've noticed lately is that as time goes on, things we once had to pay for are now free. Take email for example. When I got my second email, a yahoo email I still use today, there were three options. There was free, which had limited space and didn't work with Outlook. There were two that were a bit less limited; they had more space and could work with Outlook. But now, if you sign up for a Yahoo email, it's always free.

Also, my first email ever was an MSN. It was 2005 or 2006. As time went on, both of my emails' inboxes expanded, and my hotmail email went from automatically deleting after a month to automatically deleting after two months, and as far as I can tell, now it may not delete at all.

I suppose this is to be expected with something like the internet. As things get easier and companies get competitive, prices drop and then disappear. Of course, this means more of the dreaded advertising.

Someday, hopefully, I can have a full DeviantArt account without having to pay. Perhaps someday I will have a free URL to use as I please, and not have to worry about all this stupid "easy" stuff if I don't want to. Stand back. I know HTML. (that's from XKCD too)

There is so much free stuff now. Free software. Free blogs. Free email. If there's this much for free now, and so much less only a few years ago, who knows what it will be like in another five, ten, or fifteen years? That is, if the internet still exists after 12/21/2012 O.o

Personality Disorder Quiz

Well, this is interesting.

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 50%
Borderline |||||||||||| 42%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissistic |||||||||| 38%
Avoidant |||||||||| 38%
Dependent |||||||||| 38%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 66%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Apparently, I am extremely Schizotypical...well I've always known I'm weird.

Well...I've been doing some research

Recently, I've been more curious about magick/magic. I decided to read about Wicca and some pages about magick in general at the Veritas Society website. And I found this page. While reading it, I found the following paragraph (which is awfully long in my humble opinion):

"Here, however, I believe it necessary to say a thing or two about faith. Faith, firstly, applies to much more than religious faith. It applies to faith in one’s self, faith in the power you’ve attained, faith in the benefits of your studies, and in magic, faith in your ability to successfully cast spells. So do not say “You have no faith” to a magician, for in truth, he probably has more than you. Ascertaining to religion, you may find that many of the more powerful and/or learned magicians have no religion. This does not denote that the magician is atheistic, it simply means that he/she has stepped outside the confines of dogmatic belief and structure, no longer needing such things in his/her journey for the Individual Truth. In fact, most such magicians are extremely spiritual, and can usually demonstrate a level of theological knowledge which most priests do not even have. I shall use myself as an example. I was born and raised a Christian, with an Irish Catholic father. At about the age of 10, I naturally began to lose interest in the church, finding my faith, Methodism, to be lacking in completeness. At about the age of 12 I began to examine what I was getting from still going to church, and could not come up with a rational reason as to my continued attendance. At around that same time I decided that the path towards Individual Truth could not be reached using a dogmatic belief structure layed down by a complete stranger almost 200 years ago(in the Methodist faith), which was ultimately designed to fit HIS spiritual needs, not the spiritual needs of a boy two centuries later. That having been personally set down was the first step in my disestablishment. None the less, I kept going to make people happy, until I ultimately proclaimed myself apart from the Christian Church due to my stance on the Church’s gruesome history, their way of doings things, their “anti-everything else” views, and quite simply because I was a student of the Forbidden Arts, as my priest called them. Today, my personal spiritual beliefs have traces of Judeo-Christian thought, Taoist philosophy, Buddhist principles, and Shinto naturalism. However, I have never actually joined another religion for two reasons: One being that I separated from the church to escape dogmatic confinement, and two, because to join another religion would be to suggest that all the ideas of the Christian faith were wrong, and I do not believe that is so."

It's slightly freaky, but perhaps not so weird after all that I was about the same age when I began questioning my Catholic upbringing(I was 11) and it wasn't too long ago that I began questioning it more actively(I turn 14 soon). I decided sometime around the beginning of the school year that I needn't go to church at all, for three reasons:

1: I don't believe in the same things.
2: I don't like being restricted so much.
3: I don't like the way the Catholic religion works, especially their "'anti-everything else' views", as Prophecy(the author of it, I think) puts it. I also dislike how they are sexist and homophobic, and are so frickin' strict about so much. Why do they think only a small percent of registered parish members actually show up?

Although the church says all magick is evil (magick as in actual magick, not magic in fiction) all rituals used at church are a form of magick, technically. Hypocrites.

Also, my life is mostly about my search for truth, and in a religion with so much mystery and a dark, covered-up past, I just don't belong. I am not one of the common sheeple (sheep-like people. Read XKCD!), I question things and decide if they're necessary in my life. I cannot blindly believe, like how I cannot brag and I cannot trust a stranger with my life; all of those go against my nature.

Perhaps I will persue magick, perhaps I will stick to psionics. Perhaps I will withdraw into a small bubble cut off from the rest of the world and just focus on school and friends; local things. No matter what, in the end I will still be searching for truth.

So damn confused

I feel so lost.

So happy.
So sad.
So lonely.
So pressured.
So frickin confused, dammit.

About everything.

About the boy I like.
About my friends.
About my family.
About society.
About myself.

While immersing myself in related culture seems wonderful, like my life is falling together instead of apart, in the end it doesn't really matter (see what i did there? lol) because I'm just as confused as before, and have even more things to think about.

I'm listening to the audiobook of The Martian Child. It's about a single, gay writer who wants to adopt a child. He gets scared because he feels the kid he found is right for him, but since he's a single man he knows he's on the end of the list, and even moreso because he is a writer, and even if he wasn't single it probably wouldn't make a difference because he's gay. He does get the kid, and things go well for a year and a half. But then the kid shows ODD-like actions, defying everything for no reason at all.

Sometimes defying is good, sometime's it's not. But defying everything all the time without any purpose is ODD. Or teenage rebellion. But the boy was like 11.

I noticed my posts lately have a pattern. First poetic, then random but deep. At least it's deeply meaningful to me. And that's what's important; it is my blog. If anyone reads it, that's fine. If no one reads it, that's fine. Yeah, readers would be nice, but I don't really mind at all being just another faceless, angsty blogger using a blog as an outlet for confusing emotions, a way to make sense of life.

The Logical Song

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me.

I love that song. So meaningful and just plain awesome.

But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, oh responsible, practical.

My early school years. I was taught to be proper, but some it I wanted. I like having order in my life. But perhaps there is too much order.

And then they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical.

Yeah, I see the world where I could contribute. But do I want to? Trading some freedom for...what? I'm not sure what I'd get in return.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am

I love those lines. OK, I'll start at the beginning. For one, I love being the only one awake in the house, when there's still little light outside, and it seems like I'm alone. It's a wonderful, albeit lonely time. The questions, although unrelated to that twilight time, have been running awfully deep lately. I wish people would talk to me more. What I want most of all is to find myself again.

I said now watch what you say they'll be calling you a radical,
a liberal, oh fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!

It's sad how in a country meant to be free and accepting, and a place where it is our duty to question if the government is doing its job, people with a good cause are ridiculed.

Oh, take it take it yeah!

At least in the version I have on my iPod, this signifies the part where there are all sorts of odd sounds, a cacophony of wonderful weirdness. Beautiful.

But at night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am,
Who I am
Who I am
Who I am

PE = Hell

As an aspie, PE is hell. I am uncoordinated and have trouble finding things to say when someone yells at me for doing badly. One of the worst demons I have met at school is Sammi, a skinny athletic bitch (as I call her and her group of friends) who is great at volleyball. Whoopee. Good for her. But does she need to tell me in particular what to do when I do badly even though I'm on the other friggin team?!?! And when I fail to catch a ball she throws at my legs does she need to sigh loudly in an exasperated way, reminding me further of my athletic incapabilities? And WHY THE HELL CAN'T SHE EVER SHUT UP? Yes, we know she is better than us at volleyball. Yes, we acknowledge that without being embarrased, as we hardly care. So why can't she leave us nerds alone?

Updates, although there's nothing to update

At some point, my brother made a little round perler bead smiley face that looks very creepy to me. For a long time it would occasionally turn to face me while I was in the kitchen, and keep turning towards me wherever I walked. So this morning, just for the heck of it, I said something like, "Good morning. You're such a ray of sunshine." And you know what? It stopped turning to face me everywhere. And it no longer seems quite so creepy. I just wish I would have done something like that sooner.

Just a random fact, you have to turn down these stairs to go to the garage, and if you walk by them without looking at them except out of the corner of your eye even though your eyes are facing forward (AKA peripheral vision, wait did I spell that right?) it will look like the door is open even though it never is. My brother Adam who claims to be able to see psi says he saw some sort of energy at the bottom of those stairs.

I just remembered, I went to my little brothers' Christmas program. They go to the Catholic school I used to go to, which is the same building as the church. As soon as I walked in, I felt a sort of - impending pressure (that's the words that come to mind). About halfway through the program I suddenly felt some sort of attack. These days, now I've been making my energy less noticable I only ever get attacked at church. This has only been happening since there was a new priest. Coincidence? I think not. Anyways, I got what or who ever it was to leave me alone, they weren't really trying as usual. Adam once said that he noticed the priest use psionics, and that there was another lady who did too. He wouldn't tell me about the other lady, and by now he's probably forgotten and if I ask him, chances are he'll call me stupid. When I was his age, I never said that sort of thing to anyone older than me, even family. It's just sad how fast this generation deteriorates with each passing year. Some say it's a sign of what will happen in 2012.

There is a book I read recently - was it American Nerd? and in it the author talked about a childhood friend who was Mormon. Apparently the church he went to was preached to that they should get weapons and learn how to use them because sometime either around 2000 or 2010 something big would happen. I think it was something about a good vs. evil war, and the government being taken over, and people having to wear bar codes on their arms. Whatever. However, I do feel like something will happen. It's strange, I can't describe it - it's like something around that general time (my birthday in 2012) will happen. Whether the world ends or not, I don't think everyone will die. Perhaps life will just change dramatically. But I think if we were all going to die I'd be much more worried.

just a quick note

So at school, we did ceramics. We didn't get to pour the molds, but we got to fix the mold line and glaze them. Well there is one that I probably won't get a picture of, but it's really strange. I call it the All-Natural Killer Cyborg. It looks like the slightly creepy-looking love child of the NKC and a hippie. It has the same odd preportions of the NKC, and looks like a piglet, but it has flowery patterns on it, and isn't a cyborg. I'd like to get a picture, but electronics aren't allowed. Well, I suppose I could probably find a way, now I think of it...muahahahahahaha!!!

oh crap it's probably in the kiln by now, so i may not get to

An interesting system

In U.S. History, we're talking about the Second Industrial Revolution. Since Germany was one of the leaders, we talked about Germany a bit. My mom's side of the family is almost entirely German, so of course I was interested. Anyways, apparently they at least used to have a school system in which you had to keep up grades to continue schooling. That would be nice. If our country was like that now, the people who don't care could drop out and get a simple but necessary job, and us nerds and geeks could grow up to be scientists and get more suitable classes. The teachers could enjoy teaching kids who want to learn, and not have to try to get those who lag far behind keeping up. I mean, I learn kinda slowly, but compared to the majority of the eighth graders at my school, I learn as fast as lightning strikes. Well okay, that's an exaggeration, but you see my point. I'm a nerd/geek in a town where it is not strange at all for classmates to get held back, or barely pass. In this small town, dunces make up about 90% of the school-age population, by my estimate. At my school, there are two groups of popular people that usually ignore each other: the smart kids with somewhat good personalities and the idiots who need a reality check, badly. Most of the smart people are in the smart-popular group and except for one or two of them, don't usually have much to do with me. I feel like an outsider around them, unless it's one of the ones that talk to me sometimes. The other smart people are mostly friends of mine, or at least friendly aquaintences. The other non-popular smart people are some of the many people I don't really know. Also, to make it more complicated, I should add something: there are a few people at my school who know like everyone who isn't popular but are good people, and I am friends with one of them. Let me tell you, they're good at spreading chain email!

Finding Myself Again...And Again...And Again...


A beautiful word. Latin. Means "truth".

Truth is a wonderful concept.

Truth is one thing every single person searches for, and the one thing no single person can know and comprehend in entirely.

Since it's overally accepted that if you're interested in improving the world, you should start with yourself, I've decided, even though I'm not particularly interested in changing the world greatly, myself would be a good place to start. A good place to start what? My search for truth. My whole life is about searching for the truth. I get good grades so I can get into a good college and graduate and get a good job and a good life, so my search for truth won't be disrupted. I spend hours each day, not at once, but in short periods throughout the day, contemplating life.

I've been spending the past year or so observing the physical world. I've been reading good books. Ender's Game (and Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide), many that go unheard of that I end up forgetting the names of. And there are many more I still have to read: the Golden Compass trilogy (I read the first one, and then I read the first two a year later, but I've never read all three), just to name one.

Another thing I've been doing is playing videogames. The Mother series, my favorite videogame series, gave me a lot to think about. In the months it took me to complete the trilogy, I spent the time I wasn't playing the games or occupied with something else pondering the deeper meanings. Even after I finished Mother 3, I spent two weeks thinking of almost nothing else. That was last spring, and I still often think about the symbolism, the things hidden between the lines, the little things that relate to life in ways Itoi most likely never thought about. For instance, the final battle of Mother 3, in my opinion, is not a battle between Lucas and the Masked Man, or the Masked Man and Porky versus Lucas and his friends and family, but between Claus and the Masked Man. When Porky turned Claus into a chimera, the Masked Man was created, but Claus was still inside, just seperate. Almost like he was possessed, I suppose. But fighting his brother, almost killing his dad, seeing Hinawa before really got to Claus, and brought him back to struggle with the Masked Man. The fight goes on, and Claus gains more control of himself, becoming himself again. Then, in one last blow (as he knows he is dying), the Masked Man uses a powerful lightning attack. Both sides of this person know they will die, and accept that. The Masked Man accepts it because he knows he can't win, and Claus accepts it because he knows he can't win against the Masked Man side of himself without dying.

That was probably confusing. Basically, if you've read Xenocide, the way the MM and Claus are the same but different is sort of like aiuas in my opnion. Aiuas begin seperate from the organism, but then become it, not really possessing it but actually becoming it, bringing it to life in a way. Likewise but opposite, Claus and the Masked Man are the same, but become seperate during that fatal battle.

I suppose I've been thinking about what life is worth to me, what the purpose of life is, why life is like it's so confusing I feel lost but I know I somewhat understand it. Sort of like how I have a vague understanding of imaginary numbers (I've never studied them), they're interesting and probably a simple concept, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I hope I'll someday figure it out enough to be content. It seems like as soon as I begin to understand myself, I realize there's so much more I don't know about who I am.

Forums vs. Schedule

I'd like to return to some forums, Lumine Hall for one. But I'm too busy... That's almost at the end of the list of things I need to make room for in my day. First, I need to stop playing the Sims 2 so much and start finishing up some games I never finished, like Contact(and I was almost at the end, too) and I know I'm probably not that far, but I'd like to finish Chrono Trigger. And the fact that there's alternate endings is overwhelming, just scary.

I also need time to learn things. I was somewhat studying Japanese until I became too busy sometime near the beginning of the school year. I'd also like to learn Latin, and Javascript (not that those are related :P). I need time for art, and time for piano. Out of all of the things I've listed, piano is the most important, but it's the one I tend to neglect.

Oh, and I need to clean my room too.

Cheezburger vs. Average

Recently, I heard about a site called I checked it out, and you know what? It's a rip-off of IMMD(It Made My Day), a site in the Cheezburger network. There is a whole Average network, like Average Cats(similar to ICHC, and at times the same picture with a new caption). I didn't look any further, though, except for a link to Unrelated Captions, which is kind of like Picture is Unrelated. Personally, I don't like sarcastic rip-offs of good sites. For instance, I hate Encyclopaedia Dramatica with a passion. And I wouldn't be surprised if, because I said that, someone there made a page about this blog and made fun of it in unusual ways. Well I suppose that's unlikely, but I'm paranoid.


My math class is messed up, and we all know it.

At eighth grade, I am in Algebra I...there are only two classes in the school.

My teacher's grading system is fine, but she explains things in such a way that no one really understands that well. The craziest part is, she knows something's wrong, but she thinks it's just that we're learning it a year early. Well, it's not us, it's her. I am barely scraping straight As at the end of each quarter because of algebra. In all my other classes, I have As. AND MY MATH TEACHER THINKS A C IS AN AWESOME GRADE. WHAT IS HER PROBLEM.

Yep, you heard me. She thinks Cs are wonderful.

My mom knows the class is messed up too, because she was in algebra in eighth grade too, but she got all As. I mean, I make a lot of mistakes and I'm not as good at math as her, but still...I got As in math last year in pre-algebra, and I had the same teacher. It's her first time teaching algebra, though...actually this year they redid the math classes, so now there's an official pre-algebra class and more algebra classes (but there's still just two; I don't even know if there WAS algebra last year, I just know there was at some point in the past). But I'm not switching to Math 8. I will not switch to Math 8, because I know I can do much better than that and they'd just throw me back into algebra anyways. My math teacher says I'm so good at math, but she doesn't get it: I'm good at all the subjects, and math is my worst. Well I'm not sure if I'm good at life skills, and PE is a whole other story, but neither of those are really required this year. I have no patience for cooking, can't clean at all, and probably won't have much trouble finding a job, so that rules out most of what you learn in life skills. As for PE...well let's just say I am not coordinated at all but I try and that's what we're graded on. Health, though, is easy. It's interesting though; so there are two PE teachers, and one only teaches one period of eighth grade PE but teaches the seventh grade health classes; the one that I have is the main one, and he refuses to teach sex ed, so there's really only one class of health in the entire school that ends up learning about sex. Kind of sad, especially since there's a pregnant girl in my grade (well actually I think she may have had her baby a few days ago, from what people said). Also I suspect that a girl got an STD at some point because her and her ex-boyfriend have been teased fairly recently that "Bob gave Jenna AIDS!" (*names have been changed drastically*). But I'm not social, and I don't care enough to listen to all the boring gossip about who's wearing what and dating who, although it would be nice to hear some more important news...

How Mother's Day brought me joy

On Mother's Day this past spring, I couldn't decide what to give my mom. Finally, I decided on something that would truly be from the heart. I picked out a chain that was from my special necklace with the missing pendant. I got the necklace when I was little, on the Canadian ferry Queen of the North, which has now sunk. We used to ride it every summer on road trips to Oregon, where the rest of both sides of the family live.

The necklace had a pendant of a silver moon with something (abalone?) inside, so that the silver was an outline. On the moon was a silver star. I had the box, but the necklace's pendant had somehow disappeared. So I chose a simple pendant I had bought at Wal*Mart once, and put it on the special chain that I no longer had use for, and gave it to my mom.

Well, guess what? The next day, I walked into my room (after school I think) and there, on my desk, was the necklace, shining blues and purples and greens, just sitting there among all the clutter as if someone had just dropped it there. It was beautiful, and it was back. It turned out the chain that I had used for my mom's necklace hadn't been from my special necklace that had been gone for years. Just a note, though: I didn't even have the desk when the necklace disappeared, I got it some time after.

I now wear the necklace every day. While in Oceanside, CA, I went into a small shop that we always go into when we go there that sold necklaces of the same company. I still had the box, and I had looked at it many times. I knew these were the same company's work. I asked the lady who owned and ran the shop, who was a very nice old lady who, judging by the things in the shop, had a good sense of humor. She said they were sterling silver, and that mine definately looked the same.

I still wear that necklace almost every day, and when I don't wear it it's usually in my pocket.

I don't wanna go to church...

My mom made me go to church this morning. It didn't help that she woke me up when we had like ten minutes left, and that because of her I didn't get to sleep until one in the morning, and that the first thing she did was open the curtains. You'd think by now she'd have figured out that I get up the fastest when it's dark.

Anyways, at church the homily was significant. It's the only thing I listen to anymore. The priest was talking about how people in cities think the world will end on December 21 2012, and freak out to the point where they want to take their lives and their family's lives. I agree with the church's viewpoint on 12/21/12, but for different reasons. They say that the world ends when it ends, and when it does they'll go to heaven. Well, I'm not living to try to go to heaven, I'm living for life on Earth, because whether or not heaven exists is debatable, but life on earth, whether real or not, does matter. My opinion on death is that it happens when it happens and there's nothing we can do about it, so why worry? When I die, I'll find out if life after death exists, but until then there's no way to know for sure. Yeah, I believe in ghosts, but what I'm talking about is heaven and hell. I don't believe in hell because if God loves us enough to send his son to save us, then why would he let a place like that even exist?

Another thing brought up in the homily is gay marriage. According to the church, it's wrong. However, all my life, despite what anyone said I've supported gay marriage, not openly, but at least I support it. If two people are in love, it doesn't matter if they're gay or straight, they have the right to be officially married. What if gays ruled the world and didn't let straight people get married?...Exactly. We would be trying to change the laws about it too.

Speaking of gays, I'm bi, and there's a girl I like but she's Catholic. I know even if she did like me there's no way she'd show it.

At church, there was a baptism. I didn't clap, because another child forced into a religion is not a good thing. I know if I have children, I sure ain't forcing them to believe one thing or another, aside from that all people are equal.

Another thing about the church is that they don't say anything about equality for all. What I see when I see the church is a sexist religion, one in which men have more choices, and most people are urged to marry within the church so that they will have children and add to the church. WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?!?!

I consider myself a monotheistic agnostic with similar beliefs to the Unitarian Universalists. I don't think there's a UU church in this small town but when I move out and have a choice in religion, I'm going to do a lot of research about churches like that. I like how they believe all people are equal, and let people figure out their own beliefs for themselves with only a few rules, and even include science! However, there are other interesting ones I've heard of...Freemasonry, Secular Humanism, Quaker, etc...chances are I'm not going to fit into any religion and just stay as a monotheistic agnostic.

Plan # 852 (approximately)

You know how old people think everyone grows up so fast? Well, I know from experience that time seems to get faster as we grow older, but it's only because we're preoccupied. After all, during the summer, when there's nothing to do, I get so frickin' bored, and can't wait for school to start. But other kids who have things to do aren't like that.

So my plan? Instead of expecting to know what time it is, acknowledge I don't know, and look at a clock. This way I'll end up thinking of time as it really is, and when I'm old I'll probably be the only one who doesn't expect kids to be the same height and age a year later. But it is possible to be the same height a year later. I went from being four-foot-ten to four-foot-eleven. You tall people probably don't understand what it's like to be just one inch closer to five feet, and only one inch away after waiting so long to reach five feet. It's agonizing, dammit.

Feelings: Another Faceless Blog

So after trying multiple blogs, I decided to create one, not for anything real specific, just a general blog. In other words, just another faceless blog. Soon I'll have the design set up and I'll be posting.

I don't expect anyone to read this blog, and if they do, it doesn't matter if they stick around. But if someone does, please comment. I get lonely if I see someone's looked at it but not commented...

It's probably going to be set up so it starts at the beginning, and anyone who chooses to read can get the whole story, or skip to certain topics or posts.

If you're reading this, welcome to the story of an eternal rose...