Finding Myself Again...And Again...And Again...

Veritas.

A beautiful word. Latin. Means "truth".

Truth is a wonderful concept.

Truth is one thing every single person searches for, and the one thing no single person can know and comprehend in entirely.

Since it's overally accepted that if you're interested in improving the world, you should start with yourself, I've decided, even though I'm not particularly interested in changing the world greatly, myself would be a good place to start. A good place to start what? My search for truth. My whole life is about searching for the truth. I get good grades so I can get into a good college and graduate and get a good job and a good life, so my search for truth won't be disrupted. I spend hours each day, not at once, but in short periods throughout the day, contemplating life.

I've been spending the past year or so observing the physical world. I've been reading good books. Ender's Game (and Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide), Lucas...so many that go unheard of that I end up forgetting the names of. And there are many more I still have to read: the Golden Compass trilogy (I read the first one, and then I read the first two a year later, but I've never read all three), just to name one.

Another thing I've been doing is playing videogames. The Mother series, my favorite videogame series, gave me a lot to think about. In the months it took me to complete the trilogy, I spent the time I wasn't playing the games or occupied with something else pondering the deeper meanings. Even after I finished Mother 3, I spent two weeks thinking of almost nothing else. That was last spring, and I still often think about the symbolism, the things hidden between the lines, the little things that relate to life in ways Itoi most likely never thought about. For instance, the final battle of Mother 3, in my opinion, is not a battle between Lucas and the Masked Man, or the Masked Man and Porky versus Lucas and his friends and family, but between Claus and the Masked Man. When Porky turned Claus into a chimera, the Masked Man was created, but Claus was still inside, just seperate. Almost like he was possessed, I suppose. But fighting his brother, almost killing his dad, seeing Hinawa before him...it really got to Claus, and brought him back to struggle with the Masked Man. The fight goes on, and Claus gains more control of himself, becoming himself again. Then, in one last blow (as he knows he is dying), the Masked Man uses a powerful lightning attack. Both sides of this person know they will die, and accept that. The Masked Man accepts it because he knows he can't win, and Claus accepts it because he knows he can't win against the Masked Man side of himself without dying.

That was probably confusing. Basically, if you've read Xenocide, the way the MM and Claus are the same but different is sort of like aiuas in my opnion. Aiuas begin seperate from the organism, but then become it, not really possessing it but actually becoming it, bringing it to life in a way. Likewise but opposite, Claus and the Masked Man are the same, but become seperate during that fatal battle.

I suppose I've been thinking about what life is worth to me, what the purpose of life is, why life is like it is...it's so confusing I feel lost but I know I somewhat understand it. Sort of like how I have a vague understanding of imaginary numbers (I've never studied them), they're interesting and probably a simple concept, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I hope I'll someday figure it out enough to be content. It seems like as soon as I begin to understand myself, I realize there's so much more I don't know about who I am.