So damn confused

I feel so lost.

So happy.
So sad.
So lonely.
So pressured.
So frickin confused, dammit.

About everything.

About the boy I like.
About my friends.
About my family.
About society.
About myself.

While immersing myself in related culture seems wonderful, like my life is falling together instead of apart, in the end it doesn't really matter (see what i did there? lol) because I'm just as confused as before, and have even more things to think about.

I'm listening to the audiobook of The Martian Child. It's about a single, gay writer who wants to adopt a child. He gets scared because he feels the kid he found is right for him, but since he's a single man he knows he's on the end of the list, and even moreso because he is a writer, and even if he wasn't single it probably wouldn't make a difference because he's gay. He does get the kid, and things go well for a year and a half. But then the kid shows ODD-like actions, defying everything for no reason at all.

Sometimes defying is good, sometime's it's not. But defying everything all the time without any purpose is ODD. Or teenage rebellion. But the boy was like 11.

I noticed my posts lately have a pattern. First poetic, then random but deep. At least it's deeply meaningful to me. And that's what's important; it is my blog. If anyone reads it, that's fine. If no one reads it, that's fine. Yeah, readers would be nice, but I don't really mind at all being just another faceless, angsty blogger using a blog as an outlet for confusing emotions, a way to make sense of life.