Well...I've been doing some research

Recently, I've been more curious about magick/magic. I decided to read about Wicca and some pages about magick in general at the Veritas Society website. And I found this page. While reading it, I found the following paragraph (which is awfully long in my humble opinion):

"Here, however, I believe it necessary to say a thing or two about faith. Faith, firstly, applies to much more than religious faith. It applies to faith in one’s self, faith in the power you’ve attained, faith in the benefits of your studies, and in magic, faith in your ability to successfully cast spells. So do not say “You have no faith” to a magician, for in truth, he probably has more than you. Ascertaining to religion, you may find that many of the more powerful and/or learned magicians have no religion. This does not denote that the magician is atheistic, it simply means that he/she has stepped outside the confines of dogmatic belief and structure, no longer needing such things in his/her journey for the Individual Truth. In fact, most such magicians are extremely spiritual, and can usually demonstrate a level of theological knowledge which most priests do not even have. I shall use myself as an example. I was born and raised a Christian, with an Irish Catholic father. At about the age of 10, I naturally began to lose interest in the church, finding my faith, Methodism, to be lacking in completeness. At about the age of 12 I began to examine what I was getting from still going to church, and could not come up with a rational reason as to my continued attendance. At around that same time I decided that the path towards Individual Truth could not be reached using a dogmatic belief structure layed down by a complete stranger almost 200 years ago(in the Methodist faith), which was ultimately designed to fit HIS spiritual needs, not the spiritual needs of a boy two centuries later. That having been personally set down was the first step in my disestablishment. None the less, I kept going to make people happy, until I ultimately proclaimed myself apart from the Christian Church due to my stance on the Church’s gruesome history, their way of doings things, their “anti-everything else” views, and quite simply because I was a student of the Forbidden Arts, as my priest called them. Today, my personal spiritual beliefs have traces of Judeo-Christian thought, Taoist philosophy, Buddhist principles, and Shinto naturalism. However, I have never actually joined another religion for two reasons: One being that I separated from the church to escape dogmatic confinement, and two, because to join another religion would be to suggest that all the ideas of the Christian faith were wrong, and I do not believe that is so."

It's slightly freaky, but perhaps not so weird after all that I was about the same age when I began questioning my Catholic upbringing(I was 11) and it wasn't too long ago that I began questioning it more actively(I turn 14 soon). I decided sometime around the beginning of the school year that I needn't go to church at all, for three reasons:

1: I don't believe in the same things.
2: I don't like being restricted so much.
3: I don't like the way the Catholic religion works, especially their "'anti-everything else' views", as Prophecy(the author of it, I think) puts it. I also dislike how they are sexist and homophobic, and are so frickin' strict about so much. Why do they think only a small percent of registered parish members actually show up?

Although the church says all magick is evil (magick as in actual magick, not magic in fiction) all rituals used at church are a form of magick, technically. Hypocrites.

Also, my life is mostly about my search for truth, and in a religion with so much mystery and a dark, covered-up past, I just don't belong. I am not one of the common sheeple (sheep-like people. Read XKCD!), I question things and decide if they're necessary in my life. I cannot blindly believe, like how I cannot brag and I cannot trust a stranger with my life; all of those go against my nature.

Perhaps I will persue magick, perhaps I will stick to psionics. Perhaps I will withdraw into a small bubble cut off from the rest of the world and just focus on school and friends; local things. No matter what, in the end I will still be searching for truth.

So damn confused

I feel so lost.

So happy.
So sad.
So lonely.
So pressured.
So frickin confused, dammit.

About everything.

About the boy I like.
About my friends.
About my family.
About society.
About myself.

While immersing myself in related culture seems wonderful, like my life is falling together instead of apart, in the end it doesn't really matter (see what i did there? lol) because I'm just as confused as before, and have even more things to think about.

I'm listening to the audiobook of The Martian Child. It's about a single, gay writer who wants to adopt a child. He gets scared because he feels the kid he found is right for him, but since he's a single man he knows he's on the end of the list, and even moreso because he is a writer, and even if he wasn't single it probably wouldn't make a difference because he's gay. He does get the kid, and things go well for a year and a half. But then the kid shows ODD-like actions, defying everything for no reason at all.

Sometimes defying is good, sometime's it's not. But defying everything all the time without any purpose is ODD. Or teenage rebellion. But the boy was like 11.

I noticed my posts lately have a pattern. First poetic, then random but deep. At least it's deeply meaningful to me. And that's what's important; it is my blog. If anyone reads it, that's fine. If no one reads it, that's fine. Yeah, readers would be nice, but I don't really mind at all being just another faceless, angsty blogger using a blog as an outlet for confusing emotions, a way to make sense of life.

The Logical Song

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me.

I love that song. So meaningful and just plain awesome.

But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, oh responsible, practical.

My early school years. I was taught to be proper, but some it I wanted. I like having order in my life. But perhaps there is too much order.

And then they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical.

Yeah, I see the world where I could contribute. But do I want to? Trading some freedom for...what? I'm not sure what I'd get in return.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am

I love those lines. OK, I'll start at the beginning. For one, I love being the only one awake in the house, when there's still little light outside, and it seems like I'm alone. It's a wonderful, albeit lonely time. The questions, although unrelated to that twilight time, have been running awfully deep lately. I wish people would talk to me more. What I want most of all is to find myself again.

I said now watch what you say they'll be calling you a radical,
a liberal, oh fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!

It's sad how in a country meant to be free and accepting, and a place where it is our duty to question if the government is doing its job, people with a good cause are ridiculed.

Oh, take it take it yeah!

At least in the version I have on my iPod, this signifies the part where there are all sorts of odd sounds, a cacophony of wonderful weirdness. Beautiful.

But at night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am,
Who I am
Who I am
Who I am

PE = Hell

As an aspie, PE is hell. I am uncoordinated and have trouble finding things to say when someone yells at me for doing badly. One of the worst demons I have met at school is Sammi, a skinny athletic bitch (as I call her and her group of friends) who is great at volleyball. Whoopee. Good for her. But does she need to tell me in particular what to do when I do badly even though I'm on the other friggin team?!?! And when I fail to catch a ball she throws at my legs does she need to sigh loudly in an exasperated way, reminding me further of my athletic incapabilities? And WHY THE HELL CAN'T SHE EVER SHUT UP? Yes, we know she is better than us at volleyball. Yes, we acknowledge that without being embarrased, as we hardly care. So why can't she leave us nerds alone?

Updates, although there's nothing to update

At some point, my brother made a little round perler bead smiley face that looks very creepy to me. For a long time it would occasionally turn to face me while I was in the kitchen, and keep turning towards me wherever I walked. So this morning, just for the heck of it, I said something like, "Good morning. You're such a ray of sunshine." And you know what? It stopped turning to face me everywhere. And it no longer seems quite so creepy. I just wish I would have done something like that sooner.

Just a random fact, you have to turn down these stairs to go to the garage, and if you walk by them without looking at them except out of the corner of your eye even though your eyes are facing forward (AKA peripheral vision, wait did I spell that right?) it will look like the door is open even though it never is. My brother Adam who claims to be able to see psi says he saw some sort of energy at the bottom of those stairs.

I just remembered, I went to my little brothers' Christmas program. They go to the Catholic school I used to go to, which is the same building as the church. As soon as I walked in, I felt a sort of - impending pressure (that's the words that come to mind). About halfway through the program I suddenly felt some sort of attack. These days, now I've been making my energy less noticable I only ever get attacked at church. This has only been happening since there was a new priest. Coincidence? I think not. Anyways, I got what or who ever it was to leave me alone, they weren't really trying as usual. Adam once said that he noticed the priest use psionics, and that there was another lady who did too. He wouldn't tell me about the other lady, and by now he's probably forgotten and if I ask him, chances are he'll call me stupid. When I was his age, I never said that sort of thing to anyone older than me, even family. It's just sad how fast this generation deteriorates with each passing year. Some say it's a sign of what will happen in 2012.

There is a book I read recently - was it American Nerd? and in it the author talked about a childhood friend who was Mormon. Apparently the church he went to was preached to that they should get weapons and learn how to use them because sometime either around 2000 or 2010 something big would happen. I think it was something about a good vs. evil war, and the government being taken over, and people having to wear bar codes on their arms. Whatever. However, I do feel like something will happen. It's strange, I can't describe it - it's like something around that general time (my birthday in 2012) will happen. Whether the world ends or not, I don't think everyone will die. Perhaps life will just change dramatically. But I think if we were all going to die I'd be much more worried.

just a quick note

So at school, we did ceramics. We didn't get to pour the molds, but we got to fix the mold line and glaze them. Well there is one that I probably won't get a picture of, but it's really strange. I call it the All-Natural Killer Cyborg. It looks like the slightly creepy-looking love child of the NKC and a hippie. It has the same odd preportions of the NKC, and looks like a piglet, but it has flowery patterns on it, and isn't a cyborg. I'd like to get a picture, but electronics aren't allowed. Well, I suppose I could probably find a way, now I think of it...muahahahahahaha!!!

oh crap it's probably in the kiln by now, so i may not get to

An interesting system

In U.S. History, we're talking about the Second Industrial Revolution. Since Germany was one of the leaders, we talked about Germany a bit. My mom's side of the family is almost entirely German, so of course I was interested. Anyways, apparently they at least used to have a school system in which you had to keep up grades to continue schooling. That would be nice. If our country was like that now, the people who don't care could drop out and get a simple but necessary job, and us nerds and geeks could grow up to be scientists and get more suitable classes. The teachers could enjoy teaching kids who want to learn, and not have to try to get those who lag far behind keeping up. I mean, I learn kinda slowly, but compared to the majority of the eighth graders at my school, I learn as fast as lightning strikes. Well okay, that's an exaggeration, but you see my point. I'm a nerd/geek in a town where it is not strange at all for classmates to get held back, or barely pass. In this small town, dunces make up about 90% of the school-age population, by my estimate. At my school, there are two groups of popular people that usually ignore each other: the smart kids with somewhat good personalities and the idiots who need a reality check, badly. Most of the smart people are in the smart-popular group and except for one or two of them, don't usually have much to do with me. I feel like an outsider around them, unless it's one of the ones that talk to me sometimes. The other smart people are mostly friends of mine, or at least friendly aquaintences. The other non-popular smart people are some of the many people I don't really know. Also, to make it more complicated, I should add something: there are a few people at my school who know like everyone who isn't popular but are good people, and I am friends with one of them. Let me tell you, they're good at spreading chain email!

Finding Myself Again...And Again...And Again...


A beautiful word. Latin. Means "truth".

Truth is a wonderful concept.

Truth is one thing every single person searches for, and the one thing no single person can know and comprehend in entirely.

Since it's overally accepted that if you're interested in improving the world, you should start with yourself, I've decided, even though I'm not particularly interested in changing the world greatly, myself would be a good place to start. A good place to start what? My search for truth. My whole life is about searching for the truth. I get good grades so I can get into a good college and graduate and get a good job and a good life, so my search for truth won't be disrupted. I spend hours each day, not at once, but in short periods throughout the day, contemplating life.

I've been spending the past year or so observing the physical world. I've been reading good books. Ender's Game (and Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide), Lucas...so many that go unheard of that I end up forgetting the names of. And there are many more I still have to read: the Golden Compass trilogy (I read the first one, and then I read the first two a year later, but I've never read all three), just to name one.

Another thing I've been doing is playing videogames. The Mother series, my favorite videogame series, gave me a lot to think about. In the months it took me to complete the trilogy, I spent the time I wasn't playing the games or occupied with something else pondering the deeper meanings. Even after I finished Mother 3, I spent two weeks thinking of almost nothing else. That was last spring, and I still often think about the symbolism, the things hidden between the lines, the little things that relate to life in ways Itoi most likely never thought about. For instance, the final battle of Mother 3, in my opinion, is not a battle between Lucas and the Masked Man, or the Masked Man and Porky versus Lucas and his friends and family, but between Claus and the Masked Man. When Porky turned Claus into a chimera, the Masked Man was created, but Claus was still inside, just seperate. Almost like he was possessed, I suppose. But fighting his brother, almost killing his dad, seeing Hinawa before him...it really got to Claus, and brought him back to struggle with the Masked Man. The fight goes on, and Claus gains more control of himself, becoming himself again. Then, in one last blow (as he knows he is dying), the Masked Man uses a powerful lightning attack. Both sides of this person know they will die, and accept that. The Masked Man accepts it because he knows he can't win, and Claus accepts it because he knows he can't win against the Masked Man side of himself without dying.

That was probably confusing. Basically, if you've read Xenocide, the way the MM and Claus are the same but different is sort of like aiuas in my opnion. Aiuas begin seperate from the organism, but then become it, not really possessing it but actually becoming it, bringing it to life in a way. Likewise but opposite, Claus and the Masked Man are the same, but become seperate during that fatal battle.

I suppose I've been thinking about what life is worth to me, what the purpose of life is, why life is like it is...it's so confusing I feel lost but I know I somewhat understand it. Sort of like how I have a vague understanding of imaginary numbers (I've never studied them), they're interesting and probably a simple concept, but I haven't figured it out yet.

I hope I'll someday figure it out enough to be content. It seems like as soon as I begin to understand myself, I realize there's so much more I don't know about who I am.