I am so fricking pissed off! I want to make sure whoever thought of putting video advertisements on the internet dies a slow and painful death... WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM, DAMMIT!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE IDIOTS? DON'T THEY REALIZE BECAUSE OF THEM I HAVE DOWNLOADED LIKE 30 MINUTES OF VIDEO (IN ONE DAY) WHEN WE HAVE A LIMIT EACH MONTH, AND I AM COMPLETELY AGAINST BUYING THEIR PRODUCTS BECAUSE OF THEIR ADS!?!?!?!?!?
OKAY, NOW TO TURN CAPS LOCK OFF...
As much as I hate it when people capitalize everything because it looks like theyre yelling through one of those microphone things people use, you know, usually red and white? I couldn't help it. I do want to yell all that in their damned faces.
Also, I am trying to listen to music on my computer. I should have the right to listen to it without being interupted by lysol ads.
Now, aside from the idiot who thought of that, the teachers who gave us tons of homework on a busy weekend when almost half the school is busy, and my mom, there is one person who I am particularly pissed at.
For school, we were supposed to go to this rehearsal for the local community band. Well, I went with a friend because we don't get to spend much time together outside of school or in school. Her friend showed up (her friend is a grown woman she considers practically her mom) and we ended up getting into a conversation. I didn't realize it was so loud, but then this guy comes over and starts practically yelling at us about how if we want to have a conversation we can leave the auditorium. Well, for one thing, I may never get another chance to spend time with my best friend outside of school, because I may be moving soon. Also, if that guy wants to watch the concert in complete silence, he can buy a frickin ticket and go to the real performance where they actually enforce the rules, because IT'S THE REAL PERFORMANCE STUPID. And that way, he won't be watching without paying and support the community band, which he apparently loves. Yeah, we were talking kinda loud, but a simple, "would you quiet down," would have more than sufficed. And you know what? While the conductor was announcing things, he kept yelling things at him, the sort of things audiences at rock concerts would yell, except this was a rehearsal where maybe five of the people were not there for school, and he was the only one yelling. What an asshole. The rest of us wanted to hear the conductor, and unlike this guy, I will probably be PAYING for a ticket when they have the ACTUAL performance, and I will listen to the whole thing this time because it will not be a chance to talk with my friend. And this way, I will only have to listen to those awful, eardrum-bursting bagpipes once because it won't be a rehearsal.
Showing posts with label Rantings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rantings. Show all posts
If Mother 3 came to America...
Through Earthbound Central (gotta love that site) I found this. It's just an idea, but it's neat. However, I'm not sure I want it to be a reality.
Think about it. For one thing, NoA could mess it up in so many ways. They'd have to change some of the wording, and maybe even take out a scene or two. Also, it's perfectly formatted for GBA. The music might not sound so good on DS, and they'd have to use both screens somehow. Maybe a map on the top screen? But then that feeling of taking the map out for a quick look is gone.
However, my worries about that sort of thing are nothing compared to what would happen to the community. I'm not a big part of it, but I don't want a bunch of idiot n00bs screwing everything up any more than anyone else. Yeah, there'd be some good, useful new people, but the key word there is "some". "Some," as in roughly 10% or less. Which means, for non-math-oriented people, 90% or more idiot n00bs. Do we really want that?
You could argue that that wouldn't happen, but how could it not? The main site is starmen.net. The game would probably be rated E10+ because of the Tanetane mushrooms (drugs, sort of) and the more...emotional scenes. Young children may be haunted by Hinawa's death, or even the ending. Well, E10+ games are usually played by kids about eight and up (or younger, but younger kids aren't as interested in that sort of game) so we could potentially end up with a bunch of 9-year-olds clogging the intertubes with stupid crap. When I was a little younger I had these two friends. They played games like Animal Crossing, but also some games like this one, I don't remember what it was called but I think it was something like Bakugan, although I don't know much about Bakugan. Anyways, I realize now they were idiots. They weren't remotely serious about games, they just liked being able to say they'd played them. They REALLY needed better hobbies than playing games for the sake of popularity. These were the same people who played with Tamagochis for maybe a couple of weeks when a new version came out, and bragged about how far they'd gotten. Now, Tamagotchis were the first games I had aside from Genesis games as old as me that were not 3D. It's partly because of them I fell in love with pixels. At first, I wanted to know what I was missing, and some stupid, crazy part of me wanted to be popular. But I played with those things for a year or two before I found better things to do. Actually, not long after I stopped, I got Pokemon Diamond, my introduction to Japanese RPGs. Now when I look back, I realize I've always loved Japanese video games. Nearly all of my favorites were at some point translated from Japanese, from Ecco II that I played as a small child to the Pokemon games I loved so much to the classics I've dug up, unlike my peers who never dig up old things for fear of getting dirty. Metaphorically, of course.
Oh wow, I'm way off track. :P
Anyways, these people I knew are the sort of people that would give Mother fans a really bad name, and seriously piss off the more hardcore fans who actually care.
I guess I just believe that if it was meant to be and you work towards it, it will happen. Even though I only found the Mother series about a year ago, I feel as if I've always known those old friends, they're that integrated into my life. It's like The Simpsons, or computers, or books: even though it hasn't always been a part of my life, it sure feels like it. The point is, if someone is meant to become a Mother fan, they'll find their way to the series soon enough.
Think about it. For one thing, NoA could mess it up in so many ways. They'd have to change some of the wording, and maybe even take out a scene or two. Also, it's perfectly formatted for GBA. The music might not sound so good on DS, and they'd have to use both screens somehow. Maybe a map on the top screen? But then that feeling of taking the map out for a quick look is gone.
However, my worries about that sort of thing are nothing compared to what would happen to the community. I'm not a big part of it, but I don't want a bunch of idiot n00bs screwing everything up any more than anyone else. Yeah, there'd be some good, useful new people, but the key word there is "some". "Some," as in roughly 10% or less. Which means, for non-math-oriented people, 90% or more idiot n00bs. Do we really want that?
You could argue that that wouldn't happen, but how could it not? The main site is starmen.net. The game would probably be rated E10+ because of the Tanetane mushrooms (drugs, sort of) and the more...emotional scenes. Young children may be haunted by Hinawa's death, or even the ending. Well, E10+ games are usually played by kids about eight and up (or younger, but younger kids aren't as interested in that sort of game) so we could potentially end up with a bunch of 9-year-olds clogging the intertubes with stupid crap. When I was a little younger I had these two friends. They played games like Animal Crossing, but also some games like this one, I don't remember what it was called but I think it was something like Bakugan, although I don't know much about Bakugan. Anyways, I realize now they were idiots. They weren't remotely serious about games, they just liked being able to say they'd played them. They REALLY needed better hobbies than playing games for the sake of popularity. These were the same people who played with Tamagochis for maybe a couple of weeks when a new version came out, and bragged about how far they'd gotten. Now, Tamagotchis were the first games I had aside from Genesis games as old as me that were not 3D. It's partly because of them I fell in love with pixels. At first, I wanted to know what I was missing, and some stupid, crazy part of me wanted to be popular. But I played with those things for a year or two before I found better things to do. Actually, not long after I stopped, I got Pokemon Diamond, my introduction to Japanese RPGs. Now when I look back, I realize I've always loved Japanese video games. Nearly all of my favorites were at some point translated from Japanese, from Ecco II that I played as a small child to the Pokemon games I loved so much to the classics I've dug up, unlike my peers who never dig up old things for fear of getting dirty. Metaphorically, of course.
Oh wow, I'm way off track. :P
Anyways, these people I knew are the sort of people that would give Mother fans a really bad name, and seriously piss off the more hardcore fans who actually care.
I guess I just believe that if it was meant to be and you work towards it, it will happen. Even though I only found the Mother series about a year ago, I feel as if I've always known those old friends, they're that integrated into my life. It's like The Simpsons, or computers, or books: even though it hasn't always been a part of my life, it sure feels like it. The point is, if someone is meant to become a Mother fan, they'll find their way to the series soon enough.
I don't believe in Hell
A few days ago, I had an interesting but short conversation in school. One of my few friends, and even fewer male friends is a leftie who, like me, is Agnostic, although I lean more towards Unitarian Universalism. Somehow, the devil came up in a conversation between him and one of his friends when they were at the same table as me, and he said he doesn't believe in the devil because he is Agnostic. I said something like, "Why do we need a devil, with the human nature as it is?" And really, why would we need Hell, or even Heaven? The worst hell is life on Earth, and incredible happiness can be gained from life on Earth as well. I think life after death somehow exists, but not in any particular place. My views on life after death are similar to Buddhism: people are reincarnated, possibly as something else, but they are not alwyas reincarnated. This is where I become unsure. Do our souls just end? Do we become ghosts? Do we become something else entirely? Or do we go to Heaven? I don't believe in Hell, but as for Heaven, I don't know.
Another Videogame Rant
So, for quite a while I brought in sheet music I had found to my piano lessons, all from video games. It was months before my teacher showed any interest at all in the subject, when she brought up Scribblenauts. And then I realized - she thought all games were first-person-shooters.
I began to wonder - how many adults think all videogames are violent and influence young people to do bad things? There are so many other genres, such as puzzle games (such as Tetris and Bejewled) and RPG's, most of which fall into the adventure category (too many to list here). Then there are platformers (like the Mario series) and arcade games (Pac-Man is my example here). There are simulation games (The Sims) and even more RPG's (like Lego Star Wars). Then, there are first-person-shooters (like Halo), which are what most teenagers play. I am a teenager, however, and I dislike those sorts of games. So why must all adults assume all games are violent? Tetris sure isn't violent! And what about games like Earthbound? Although it has fighting, you can hardly call it graphic, or even violent. Certainly not the sort of thing that would influence children to love violence. Oh, the poor misnomers like Chrono Trigger, that are wonderful (I haven't actually finished it though) but because of something in the name it is assumed to be violent. Well, Chrono Trigger is somewhat violent, but it's definately not even related to first-person-shooters.
People need to see the whole picture. Yes, first-person-shooters are the most common among young people, but adults need not assume that we're all playing mindless gory war games. I play RPG's. I play puzzle games. I play games like Wii Fit Plus. I play The Sims 2. BIG FLIPPIN DEAL. Mother 3's plot was more moving than most, no, any book I've ever read. And people have the nerve to suggest I play those sorts of games I hate.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against those who play first-person-shooters, just the games themselves.
I began to wonder - how many adults think all videogames are violent and influence young people to do bad things? There are so many other genres, such as puzzle games (such as Tetris and Bejewled) and RPG's, most of which fall into the adventure category (too many to list here). Then there are platformers (like the Mario series) and arcade games (Pac-Man is my example here). There are simulation games (The Sims) and even more RPG's (like Lego Star Wars). Then, there are first-person-shooters (like Halo), which are what most teenagers play. I am a teenager, however, and I dislike those sorts of games. So why must all adults assume all games are violent? Tetris sure isn't violent! And what about games like Earthbound? Although it has fighting, you can hardly call it graphic, or even violent. Certainly not the sort of thing that would influence children to love violence. Oh, the poor misnomers like Chrono Trigger, that are wonderful (I haven't actually finished it though) but because of something in the name it is assumed to be violent. Well, Chrono Trigger is somewhat violent, but it's definately not even related to first-person-shooters.
People need to see the whole picture. Yes, first-person-shooters are the most common among young people, but adults need not assume that we're all playing mindless gory war games. I play RPG's. I play puzzle games. I play games like Wii Fit Plus. I play The Sims 2. BIG FLIPPIN DEAL. Mother 3's plot was more moving than most, no, any book I've ever read. And people have the nerve to suggest I play those sorts of games I hate.
Disclaimer: I have nothing against those who play first-person-shooters, just the games themselves.
Symbols
During Jazz Band (after school band) I saw someone's binder. It had, written rather artfully, "FREAK," written on it. All the bad memories rushed back. And I began to wonder if the universe wanted us to reconcile.
For a while, a dragon-shaped music box she had given me has been looking oddly at me. Well, not exactly. But at any given moment, if I glance over, its eye is sparkling brightly. At one point, the dragon broke. A wing and a spike on the back broke off, as well as some small chips. My mom and I repaired it. Perhaps our friendship can be repaired as well. I really am beginning to wonder if Fate/God/the universe wants us to be friends again. Once I got home, there was something else. It'll take some explaining though.
So once, long ago, I decided to make some perler bead flowers, and I was planning to divvy them between me and my friends, and perhaps we could even use them as a sort of currency, although that was rather far-fetched. Well, I also made the first letter of each of our names, in our favorite colors. Well, probably because of a cat, hers was on the floor, a small letter "E" begging to be noticed. All the other letters seem to be missing.
Now I think of it, at church this weekend (I was forced to go) one of the readings was about how the Holy Spirit gives us each a gift, and we can't...uh...do something I forgot, alone, because no one has all of the gifts. Well, Emily (how strange it is to type her name these days) was always the caring one, the goofy, naive one who was blessed with a lot of friends and a loving family, even though her parents were divorced and remarried. But since she moved back to town, she's been cold. Crueler than she was. Too smart, too perfect to blend in at all. The sort of person you either love or resent. I don't know if I want to be her friend, or if she even has time for a friend who doesn't like to text, or be fasionable, or has wonderful social skills. But what I wanted to do this year was to befriend someone, and maybe I should start with forgetting what happened last year and trying to spend some time with her again.
I hate when I guilt myself into doing something.
For a while, a dragon-shaped music box she had given me has been looking oddly at me. Well, not exactly. But at any given moment, if I glance over, its eye is sparkling brightly. At one point, the dragon broke. A wing and a spike on the back broke off, as well as some small chips. My mom and I repaired it. Perhaps our friendship can be repaired as well. I really am beginning to wonder if Fate/God/the universe wants us to be friends again. Once I got home, there was something else. It'll take some explaining though.
So once, long ago, I decided to make some perler bead flowers, and I was planning to divvy them between me and my friends, and perhaps we could even use them as a sort of currency, although that was rather far-fetched. Well, I also made the first letter of each of our names, in our favorite colors. Well, probably because of a cat, hers was on the floor, a small letter "E" begging to be noticed. All the other letters seem to be missing.
Now I think of it, at church this weekend (I was forced to go) one of the readings was about how the Holy Spirit gives us each a gift, and we can't...uh...do something I forgot, alone, because no one has all of the gifts. Well, Emily (how strange it is to type her name these days) was always the caring one, the goofy, naive one who was blessed with a lot of friends and a loving family, even though her parents were divorced and remarried. But since she moved back to town, she's been cold. Crueler than she was. Too smart, too perfect to blend in at all. The sort of person you either love or resent. I don't know if I want to be her friend, or if she even has time for a friend who doesn't like to text, or be fasionable, or has wonderful social skills. But what I wanted to do this year was to befriend someone, and maybe I should start with forgetting what happened last year and trying to spend some time with her again.
I hate when I guilt myself into doing something.
Down the Drain
In a book called "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," I found a poem. Here it is:
"Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."
A couple of days ago I showed it to my best friend, because she writes dark poetry and I thought she might...idunno, enjoy it? be inspired? Anyways, I was thinking about how life starts out great and ends up awful. For instance, when my brother Adam was too little to be in my life much, I had a great life. Now that same brother is only in fifth grade, and swears too much for someone his age. Now I find out he's been skipping homework, and lying about it to his teacher and to Mom. *insert Picard Facepalm here* He's such an idiot. Why the hell does he think that if he doesn't put any work into anything, it will all turn out wonderful in the end?! He thinks life is so simple. When I was in fricking third grade I knew better than to think that way.
So many young people I see at school think that way as well. Most of them don't realize that if they skip their homework and do drugs, they can still have a great life when they're older. Well how do they expect to get money if they drop out of (or fail) high school? Do they really want to live off of their parent's money all their lives and eat McDonalds and either die before their parents or have no money once their parents are dead? American society is slowly degrading, dissolving, disintigrating, slowly but steadily collapsing into nothing. And someday, there won't be any way to fix it. It's only the people like me who might as well have no voice seeing as how much people listen to us, who can see what is happening and what may fix it.
Sometimes I really wish I would've been born on a planet of peaceful, wise peoples working towards a society worth living in.
"Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."
A couple of days ago I showed it to my best friend, because she writes dark poetry and I thought she might...idunno, enjoy it? be inspired? Anyways, I was thinking about how life starts out great and ends up awful. For instance, when my brother Adam was too little to be in my life much, I had a great life. Now that same brother is only in fifth grade, and swears too much for someone his age. Now I find out he's been skipping homework, and lying about it to his teacher and to Mom. *insert Picard Facepalm here* He's such an idiot. Why the hell does he think that if he doesn't put any work into anything, it will all turn out wonderful in the end?! He thinks life is so simple. When I was in fricking third grade I knew better than to think that way.
So many young people I see at school think that way as well. Most of them don't realize that if they skip their homework and do drugs, they can still have a great life when they're older. Well how do they expect to get money if they drop out of (or fail) high school? Do they really want to live off of their parent's money all their lives and eat McDonalds and either die before their parents or have no money once their parents are dead? American society is slowly degrading, dissolving, disintigrating, slowly but steadily collapsing into nothing. And someday, there won't be any way to fix it. It's only the people like me who might as well have no voice seeing as how much people listen to us, who can see what is happening and what may fix it.
Sometimes I really wish I would've been born on a planet of peaceful, wise peoples working towards a society worth living in.
Boy Scouts of America is evil...
Well, I decided to do some reading on Buddhism. It sounds interesting. But while reading, I came across something somehow, I don't remember how.
The Boy Scouts of America reject atheists, agnostics, and non-heterosexuals.
What. The. Hell.
The BSA is a Catholic-influenced group that practices hypocrisy by saying they teach boys to be good, accepting citizens, but at the same time discriminating. That's just awful. And my mom was considering making my brothers join them!
So from what I read, if a boy scout lies or something, they are counseled privately and kindly. But if they admit to having a less common sexual orientation, they get kicked out. WTF. Sexual orientation is beyond our control, not chosen. You can have a homosexual relationship without being homosexual, but you can't choose to be homosexual. I know from experience. Over time, I gradually realized I had had crushes on female friends, but I didn't realize it for several years.
Anyways, I already knew the BSA were sexist (why aren't girls part of it? Girl Scouts is a pathetic, just plain lame organization), but homophobic and atheist-hating? And why agnostics? I am agnostic, and I believe in some sort of God. I believe in life after death of some sort - either reincarnation or becoming a sort of ghost. I believe Hell does not exist - why does it need to exist if life on Earth can so easily become hell? And if God is so loving, why would he let people get sent to Hell? What happened to the millions of second chances thing? It does not add up.
ANYWAYS, the BSA is awful, and although hatred is wrong, I have to admit, I sure am hating them at the moment.
The Boy Scouts of America reject atheists, agnostics, and non-heterosexuals.
What. The. Hell.
The BSA is a Catholic-influenced group that practices hypocrisy by saying they teach boys to be good, accepting citizens, but at the same time discriminating. That's just awful. And my mom was considering making my brothers join them!
So from what I read, if a boy scout lies or something, they are counseled privately and kindly. But if they admit to having a less common sexual orientation, they get kicked out. WTF. Sexual orientation is beyond our control, not chosen. You can have a homosexual relationship without being homosexual, but you can't choose to be homosexual. I know from experience. Over time, I gradually realized I had had crushes on female friends, but I didn't realize it for several years.
Anyways, I already knew the BSA were sexist (why aren't girls part of it? Girl Scouts is a pathetic, just plain lame organization), but homophobic and atheist-hating? And why agnostics? I am agnostic, and I believe in some sort of God. I believe in life after death of some sort - either reincarnation or becoming a sort of ghost. I believe Hell does not exist - why does it need to exist if life on Earth can so easily become hell? And if God is so loving, why would he let people get sent to Hell? What happened to the millions of second chances thing? It does not add up.
ANYWAYS, the BSA is awful, and although hatred is wrong, I have to admit, I sure am hating them at the moment.
The School Librarian. Ugh...
I don't remember for sure what reminded me of this - oh wait, I read an article about the blue moon this month and looked up pictures of the moon, and then the lunar eclipse, and then the solar eclipse, and that reminded me of Every Soul a Star. That reminded me of my many disagreements with the school librarian.
Where to start...perhaps last year. Last year there were two librarians, but the other one (the nice, reasonable, cat lover who read a lot of the same books) is at a different school every year. So now I have to talk to the other one. For one thing, she has a lisp, which you tend to ignore after a while, but it's kinda annoying, none the less.
Well, I suppose our main quarrel is books. It's not like an ongoing argument, more of a mutual agreement to not talk about books. She loves Every Soul a Star. She hates the Maximum Ride series. Et cetera. The only book/series we agree on is that the Young Wizards series is great, but I think we'd disagree if we went into detail.
Also, she's a dog lover. I hate dog lovers. I can't stand them. They like dogs because of their personality, and I disagree with that sort of person. I don't know why, I just do. Cat lovers however...opposite story.
Of course, she also is rather like my mom in that she takes a debate as argument, and is very easily offended. Me and my friends love debating little things, which the librarian takes as nitpicking/picking a fight and we take as debating/correcting. Again, like my mom. I am being suffocated by these oppresive people.
"I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there.
I've become so tired,
So much more aware.
I'm becoming this,
All I want to do.
Is be more like me
And be less like you." - Numb, Linkin Park.
That is like, my favorite verse out of all the Linkin Park music I've listened to, which I admit isn't much, but hey, how much music can they have performed, anyways?
That verse/refrain/chorus/whatever sooooo sums up my opinion towards these oppressive people.
Where to start...perhaps last year. Last year there were two librarians, but the other one (the nice, reasonable, cat lover who read a lot of the same books) is at a different school every year. So now I have to talk to the other one. For one thing, she has a lisp, which you tend to ignore after a while, but it's kinda annoying, none the less.
Well, I suppose our main quarrel is books. It's not like an ongoing argument, more of a mutual agreement to not talk about books. She loves Every Soul a Star. She hates the Maximum Ride series. Et cetera. The only book/series we agree on is that the Young Wizards series is great, but I think we'd disagree if we went into detail.
Also, she's a dog lover. I hate dog lovers. I can't stand them. They like dogs because of their personality, and I disagree with that sort of person. I don't know why, I just do. Cat lovers however...opposite story.
Of course, she also is rather like my mom in that she takes a debate as argument, and is very easily offended. Me and my friends love debating little things, which the librarian takes as nitpicking/picking a fight and we take as debating/correcting. Again, like my mom. I am being suffocated by these oppresive people.
"I've become so numb,
I can't feel you there.
I've become so tired,
So much more aware.
I'm becoming this,
All I want to do.
Is be more like me
And be less like you." - Numb, Linkin Park.
That is like, my favorite verse out of all the Linkin Park music I've listened to, which I admit isn't much, but hey, how much music can they have performed, anyways?
That verse/refrain/chorus/whatever sooooo sums up my opinion towards these oppressive people.
Bodybuilding can be wrong
Well, something that always bothered me was something my fifth-grade teacher said once. She had a friend who was a female bodybuilder, but she lost muscle intentionally because she thought it wasn't right or something. Well, anyone can bodybuild, not just men.
However, I somehow ran across this picture:
That's just not right. Not because she's a woman, though. It's not right for anyone to have muscles like that. It's creepy. *shivers*
However, I somehow ran across this picture:
That's just not right. Not because she's a woman, though. It's not right for anyone to have muscles like that. It's creepy. *shivers*
The Value of Material Goods
The three most important things in my life, the things that have the most value to me, are my necklace and my two bracelets. All three were bought cheaply.
The necklace's story can be found here. As for the bracelets...
I have a new friend. I'll call her Macarra because she likes that name. Her family isn't exactly wealthy, but they're well off enough. The main thing we have in common is music. I was fairly lucky as far as music goes. I got to take piano lessons, I grew up on the piano... However, Macarra did not. She always wanted a piano, but only had a small, cheap keyboard. We met in band class; we're both flute players. We only met at the beginning of this year.
At some point, in band, she picked up my arm and slipped two bracelets onto my wrist: one silvery with a simple, repetitive design cut into it, and one black with glitter.
We had talked about her many bracelets before. There was one day at the library, she told me the story of her special one, and about how she got the rest in a set, but she refused to tell me how she got them. As for the special one, she saw it laying by a door as she was going to jazz band after school (before I joined). After band, it was still there, but she still left it there. The next morning, she woke up with it on her wrist.
One day, I went to Wal*Mart. I was looking for a keychain and I saw sets of bracelets in various colors, and some were the same as hers.
I can see why she was ashamed. She didn't want to look poor. But what I've never told her is that I know where she got the bracelets, and that I don't mind. One of my beliefs about material things is that if you care about it, it gains value seperate from monetary value. For instance, my laptop was good, but relatively cheap. It wouldn't sell for much. But it's precious. It holds my files, it's my portal to the rest of the world. It's the gateway to information. For me, it's priceless. For someone else, it's maybe $500.
My point is, monetary value is nowhere near as imporrtant as emotional significance. Once you care about something, it seems to come to life in your heart, and it matters to you, even if no one else gives a damn.
The necklace's story can be found here. As for the bracelets...
I have a new friend. I'll call her Macarra because she likes that name. Her family isn't exactly wealthy, but they're well off enough. The main thing we have in common is music. I was fairly lucky as far as music goes. I got to take piano lessons, I grew up on the piano... However, Macarra did not. She always wanted a piano, but only had a small, cheap keyboard. We met in band class; we're both flute players. We only met at the beginning of this year.
At some point, in band, she picked up my arm and slipped two bracelets onto my wrist: one silvery with a simple, repetitive design cut into it, and one black with glitter.
We had talked about her many bracelets before. There was one day at the library, she told me the story of her special one, and about how she got the rest in a set, but she refused to tell me how she got them. As for the special one, she saw it laying by a door as she was going to jazz band after school (before I joined). After band, it was still there, but she still left it there. The next morning, she woke up with it on her wrist.
One day, I went to Wal*Mart. I was looking for a keychain and I saw sets of bracelets in various colors, and some were the same as hers.
I can see why she was ashamed. She didn't want to look poor. But what I've never told her is that I know where she got the bracelets, and that I don't mind. One of my beliefs about material things is that if you care about it, it gains value seperate from monetary value. For instance, my laptop was good, but relatively cheap. It wouldn't sell for much. But it's precious. It holds my files, it's my portal to the rest of the world. It's the gateway to information. For me, it's priceless. For someone else, it's maybe $500.
My point is, monetary value is nowhere near as imporrtant as emotional significance. Once you care about something, it seems to come to life in your heart, and it matters to you, even if no one else gives a damn.
Lesbian?
There is something I overheard twice today. It's rather interesting. From what I heard, I may be wrong, but it sounds like a fairly popular girl is a lesbian coming out of the closet. I know the second time, in algebra, I heard someone ask her something like, "Are you bi, or just gay?" And I KNOW I heard something similar in band.
For some reason, she always kinda struck me as a lesbian. I don't know why. Maybe I'm accidentally scanning, but I just had a feeling for no reason at all that she might be lesbian. Odd.
Oh yeah. I forgot something. In algebra, I think I also heard someone say something like, "So you're like a guy now?" lol. If lesbians acted like guys, then wouldn't the relationship be a lot like a gay relationship? And I'm a bi, and I don't really act like a girl or a boy. But I have an excuse: asperger's. Not interested in girly stuff like fashion, and not interested in manly stuff like sports? Am I like some sort of pseudo-tomboy? Or maybe I'm just more normal than I think.
It's interesting. I've always kinda considered this girl to be hot, but probably not lesbian and most likely way out of my league. And now she seems to be the school's only out-of-the-closet lesbian. Of course, I don't think I was meant to overhear any of that conversation...
For some reason, she always kinda struck me as a lesbian. I don't know why. Maybe I'm accidentally scanning, but I just had a feeling for no reason at all that she might be lesbian. Odd.
Oh yeah. I forgot something. In algebra, I think I also heard someone say something like, "So you're like a guy now?" lol. If lesbians acted like guys, then wouldn't the relationship be a lot like a gay relationship? And I'm a bi, and I don't really act like a girl or a boy. But I have an excuse: asperger's. Not interested in girly stuff like fashion, and not interested in manly stuff like sports? Am I like some sort of pseudo-tomboy? Or maybe I'm just more normal than I think.
It's interesting. I've always kinda considered this girl to be hot, but probably not lesbian and most likely way out of my league. And now she seems to be the school's only out-of-the-closet lesbian. Of course, I don't think I was meant to overhear any of that conversation...
Still no bf...or gf
I was asked out once, in seventh grade.
It was a boy who goes to the church I pretend to go to. A complete pervert, literally the worst in the school. Never shuts up, pisses everyone off constantly. You get the picture.
I had a crush on someone else, and I really didn't like this boy who asked me out, so I turned him down. Unfortunately, now everyone assumes I don't want to date anyone
I know a lot of people consider me a little young for that sort of thing. Well you know what? There's a girl my age or younger who had a baby. Yes, at my school. So I really don't think a boyfriend would be out of the picture.
Or a girlfriend. What a lot of people don't suspect is that I'm bi.
So far, I have had three crushes, not counting the little kid "I want to marry him when I grow up" sort of crush. I mean like, I can't wait to see them, make a point of talking to them and laughing at them.
The first, I didn't even realize until recently that it was a crush. It was a close friend, about my height. Blonde, goofy, funny...a girl. Well, once I grew out of that phase of liking her without realizing it, our friendship fractured after almost a decade. She had been my first friend when I moved in, and my most consistent friend. And then last year I asked her for some advice and you know what she did? She made fun of me and abandoned me when I needed someone to talk to.
The second was also an old friend, but a boy. Again, about my height. Dark, wavy hair that he always had brushed nicely. I hadn't known him as long as the last one, but close. I had always thought he was rather annoying, but then between elementary school and middle school, I started missing him in particular. I began dressing nicely in the hopes I'd see him. I had a crush on him for almost a year before deciding to give up.
Well, now I find myself crushing again...another boy about my height. I am short and I don't like being around tall people, especially if they're male. I've never been as comfortable around guys, anyways.
I also kinda like a girl, but she's Catholic and probably against homosexuality so I really doubt I'd have a chance. Also, I never really seem to think of guys as hot, just ladies. But I know this is the sort of town where having a girlfriend if you're a girl is not good. It's a small town, so your parents will almost certainly find out quickly. On top of that, even acting gay is practically considered a horrible crime.
I thought this country was supposed to be free? Wasn't the point of this country so that people could follow their own religion without being persecuted? So why do these "conservatives" think they have the right to ban same-sex marriage? It should be legal in all states, not just a few, simply because this is a country in which things are supposed to be that way. I suppose you could even argue that the government isn't protecting our natural rights, by blocking certain citizens' persuit of happiness by not making same-sex marriage legal. But of course, even in cases like this, that sort of thing has to be voted on, even though it makes perfect sense.
It was a boy who goes to the church I pretend to go to. A complete pervert, literally the worst in the school. Never shuts up, pisses everyone off constantly. You get the picture.
I had a crush on someone else, and I really didn't like this boy who asked me out, so I turned him down. Unfortunately, now everyone assumes I don't want to date anyone
I know a lot of people consider me a little young for that sort of thing. Well you know what? There's a girl my age or younger who had a baby. Yes, at my school. So I really don't think a boyfriend would be out of the picture.
Or a girlfriend. What a lot of people don't suspect is that I'm bi.
So far, I have had three crushes, not counting the little kid "I want to marry him when I grow up" sort of crush. I mean like, I can't wait to see them, make a point of talking to them and laughing at them.
The first, I didn't even realize until recently that it was a crush. It was a close friend, about my height. Blonde, goofy, funny...a girl. Well, once I grew out of that phase of liking her without realizing it, our friendship fractured after almost a decade. She had been my first friend when I moved in, and my most consistent friend. And then last year I asked her for some advice and you know what she did? She made fun of me and abandoned me when I needed someone to talk to.
The second was also an old friend, but a boy. Again, about my height. Dark, wavy hair that he always had brushed nicely. I hadn't known him as long as the last one, but close. I had always thought he was rather annoying, but then between elementary school and middle school, I started missing him in particular. I began dressing nicely in the hopes I'd see him. I had a crush on him for almost a year before deciding to give up.
Well, now I find myself crushing again...another boy about my height. I am short and I don't like being around tall people, especially if they're male. I've never been as comfortable around guys, anyways.
I also kinda like a girl, but she's Catholic and probably against homosexuality so I really doubt I'd have a chance. Also, I never really seem to think of guys as hot, just ladies. But I know this is the sort of town where having a girlfriend if you're a girl is not good. It's a small town, so your parents will almost certainly find out quickly. On top of that, even acting gay is practically considered a horrible crime.
I thought this country was supposed to be free? Wasn't the point of this country so that people could follow their own religion without being persecuted? So why do these "conservatives" think they have the right to ban same-sex marriage? It should be legal in all states, not just a few, simply because this is a country in which things are supposed to be that way. I suppose you could even argue that the government isn't protecting our natural rights, by blocking certain citizens' persuit of happiness by not making same-sex marriage legal. But of course, even in cases like this, that sort of thing has to be voted on, even though it makes perfect sense.
321 Mother
So a few days ago I found a link to this at Earthbound Central. Very interesting. I only got to finish it now.
I thought it was funny how she saw The Jacket and wanted to say "Who are you and what is your mission?!" but was too freaked out over The Jacket. It's a shame there's not much info on The Jacket.
What I though was interesting were these two parts:
"Americans always get jealous of Japan for all the game stuff they get, and yeah they have cool toys and stuff but I’m really impressed, after what I’ve seen, with the new level that Fangamer is taking this to. They really don’t have anything like it out there, just blatant copyright merch straight from Nintendo."
"...the response was so overwhelming that they thought it would only be a far-off dream for them to, sigh, actually get a Japanese copy of the MOTHER 3 handbook. They all said it made their own official guidebooks look pitiful. I felt it was really ironic. We are always the ones that drool over Japanese stuff. Perhaps we, unlike Nintendo of America, can make their dream come true?"
Something I find interesting is they type of people the Mother series attracts: weird, artsy people. People who take things into their own hands. People who love a good tale. People who love to celebrate all things odd. People who are clever hackers or translators. People who take things into their own hands.
It's incredible how much the fanbase accomplished. Just look at the Mother 3 translation. Not only did they need translators, but hax0rz (did I spell that right?). There is an internet radio for Mother fans. And you only need to glance at the art, music, and fanfics at starmen.net alone. Not that I particularly like starmen.net. But I don't think anywhere near as much would have been done without them. For a fan translation to happen, there must be some organization. Also, the only reason I started doing fanart was because I saw the incredible work there. It's nice how it's organized like that.
However, they're not perfect. The forums - where do I even begin??? Avoid them. Please. The starmen.net forum is unwelcoming and somewhat corrupted. And yet so much of what goes on at starmen.net happens there - something about that doesn't make sense. Like how people post comics there without submitting them to the main site - wtf? Why not add them to the collection so people later on can see them? Like, aren't there more Mani Mani Tales comics added on, but only in the forums? I'm confused. And I don't have time to search throughout that place to see everything. I don't have time in my life to even look at forums, let alone scour them for this sort of thing. I hardly have time for my art and piano anymore. My life feels like it's falling to pieces.
I desperately need balance in my life. Now I've been trying to become more social at school, I've found I'm less focused on other things. My algebra grade is way lower this quarter than last quarter, and I never remember to practice my flute. Now on top of homework and stuff, I have to worry about Christmas presents???
I thought it was funny how she saw The Jacket and wanted to say "Who are you and what is your mission?!" but was too freaked out over The Jacket. It's a shame there's not much info on The Jacket.
What I though was interesting were these two parts:
"Americans always get jealous of Japan for all the game stuff they get, and yeah they have cool toys and stuff but I’m really impressed, after what I’ve seen, with the new level that Fangamer is taking this to. They really don’t have anything like it out there, just blatant copyright merch straight from Nintendo."
"...the response was so overwhelming that they thought it would only be a far-off dream for them to, sigh, actually get a Japanese copy of the MOTHER 3 handbook. They all said it made their own official guidebooks look pitiful. I felt it was really ironic. We are always the ones that drool over Japanese stuff. Perhaps we, unlike Nintendo of America, can make their dream come true?"
Something I find interesting is they type of people the Mother series attracts: weird, artsy people. People who take things into their own hands. People who love a good tale. People who love to celebrate all things odd. People who are clever hackers or translators. People who take things into their own hands.
It's incredible how much the fanbase accomplished. Just look at the Mother 3 translation. Not only did they need translators, but hax0rz (did I spell that right?). There is an internet radio for Mother fans. And you only need to glance at the art, music, and fanfics at starmen.net alone. Not that I particularly like starmen.net. But I don't think anywhere near as much would have been done without them. For a fan translation to happen, there must be some organization. Also, the only reason I started doing fanart was because I saw the incredible work there. It's nice how it's organized like that.
However, they're not perfect. The forums - where do I even begin??? Avoid them. Please. The starmen.net forum is unwelcoming and somewhat corrupted. And yet so much of what goes on at starmen.net happens there - something about that doesn't make sense. Like how people post comics there without submitting them to the main site - wtf? Why not add them to the collection so people later on can see them? Like, aren't there more Mani Mani Tales comics added on, but only in the forums? I'm confused. And I don't have time to search throughout that place to see everything. I don't have time in my life to even look at forums, let alone scour them for this sort of thing. I hardly have time for my art and piano anymore. My life feels like it's falling to pieces.
I desperately need balance in my life. Now I've been trying to become more social at school, I've found I'm less focused on other things. My algebra grade is way lower this quarter than last quarter, and I never remember to practice my flute. Now on top of homework and stuff, I have to worry about Christmas presents???
Someday URLs will be given out for free
Something strange I've noticed lately is that as time goes on, things we once had to pay for are now free. Take email for example. When I got my second email, a yahoo email I still use today, there were three options. There was free, which had limited space and didn't work with Outlook. There were two that were a bit less limited; they had more space and could work with Outlook. But now, if you sign up for a Yahoo email, it's always free.
Also, my first email ever was an MSN. It was 2005 or 2006. As time went on, both of my emails' inboxes expanded, and my hotmail email went from automatically deleting after a month to automatically deleting after two months, and as far as I can tell, now it may not delete at all.
I suppose this is to be expected with something like the internet. As things get easier and companies get competitive, prices drop and then disappear. Of course, this means more of the dreaded advertising.
Someday, hopefully, I can have a full DeviantArt account without having to pay. Perhaps someday I will have a free URL to use as I please, and not have to worry about all this stupid "easy" stuff if I don't want to. Stand back. I know HTML. (that's from XKCD too)
There is so much free stuff now. Free software. Free blogs. Free email. If there's this much for free now, and so much less only a few years ago, who knows what it will be like in another five, ten, or fifteen years? That is, if the internet still exists after 12/21/2012 O.o
Also, my first email ever was an MSN. It was 2005 or 2006. As time went on, both of my emails' inboxes expanded, and my hotmail email went from automatically deleting after a month to automatically deleting after two months, and as far as I can tell, now it may not delete at all.
I suppose this is to be expected with something like the internet. As things get easier and companies get competitive, prices drop and then disappear. Of course, this means more of the dreaded advertising.
Someday, hopefully, I can have a full DeviantArt account without having to pay. Perhaps someday I will have a free URL to use as I please, and not have to worry about all this stupid "easy" stuff if I don't want to. Stand back. I know HTML. (that's from XKCD too)
There is so much free stuff now. Free software. Free blogs. Free email. If there's this much for free now, and so much less only a few years ago, who knows what it will be like in another five, ten, or fifteen years? That is, if the internet still exists after 12/21/2012 O.o
PE = Hell
As an aspie, PE is hell. I am uncoordinated and have trouble finding things to say when someone yells at me for doing badly. One of the worst demons I have met at school is Sammi, a skinny athletic bitch (as I call her and her group of friends) who is great at volleyball. Whoopee. Good for her. But does she need to tell me in particular what to do when I do badly even though I'm on the other friggin team?!?! And when I fail to catch a ball she throws at my legs does she need to sigh loudly in an exasperated way, reminding me further of my athletic incapabilities? And WHY THE HELL CAN'T SHE EVER SHUT UP? Yes, we know she is better than us at volleyball. Yes, we acknowledge that without being embarrased, as we hardly care. So why can't she leave us nerds alone?
Finding Myself Again...And Again...And Again...
Veritas.
A beautiful word. Latin. Means "truth".
Truth is a wonderful concept.
Truth is one thing every single person searches for, and the one thing no single person can know and comprehend in entirely.
Since it's overally accepted that if you're interested in improving the world, you should start with yourself, I've decided, even though I'm not particularly interested in changing the world greatly, myself would be a good place to start. A good place to start what? My search for truth. My whole life is about searching for the truth. I get good grades so I can get into a good college and graduate and get a good job and a good life, so my search for truth won't be disrupted. I spend hours each day, not at once, but in short periods throughout the day, contemplating life.
I've been spending the past year or so observing the physical world. I've been reading good books. Ender's Game (and Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide), Lucas...so many that go unheard of that I end up forgetting the names of. And there are many more I still have to read: the Golden Compass trilogy (I read the first one, and then I read the first two a year later, but I've never read all three), just to name one.
Another thing I've been doing is playing videogames. The Mother series, my favorite videogame series, gave me a lot to think about. In the months it took me to complete the trilogy, I spent the time I wasn't playing the games or occupied with something else pondering the deeper meanings. Even after I finished Mother 3, I spent two weeks thinking of almost nothing else. That was last spring, and I still often think about the symbolism, the things hidden between the lines, the little things that relate to life in ways Itoi most likely never thought about. For instance, the final battle of Mother 3, in my opinion, is not a battle between Lucas and the Masked Man, or the Masked Man and Porky versus Lucas and his friends and family, but between Claus and the Masked Man. When Porky turned Claus into a chimera, the Masked Man was created, but Claus was still inside, just seperate. Almost like he was possessed, I suppose. But fighting his brother, almost killing his dad, seeing Hinawa before him...it really got to Claus, and brought him back to struggle with the Masked Man. The fight goes on, and Claus gains more control of himself, becoming himself again. Then, in one last blow (as he knows he is dying), the Masked Man uses a powerful lightning attack. Both sides of this person know they will die, and accept that. The Masked Man accepts it because he knows he can't win, and Claus accepts it because he knows he can't win against the Masked Man side of himself without dying.
That was probably confusing. Basically, if you've read Xenocide, the way the MM and Claus are the same but different is sort of like aiuas in my opnion. Aiuas begin seperate from the organism, but then become it, not really possessing it but actually becoming it, bringing it to life in a way. Likewise but opposite, Claus and the Masked Man are the same, but become seperate during that fatal battle.
I suppose I've been thinking about what life is worth to me, what the purpose of life is, why life is like it is...it's so confusing I feel lost but I know I somewhat understand it. Sort of like how I have a vague understanding of imaginary numbers (I've never studied them), they're interesting and probably a simple concept, but I haven't figured it out yet.
I hope I'll someday figure it out enough to be content. It seems like as soon as I begin to understand myself, I realize there's so much more I don't know about who I am.
A beautiful word. Latin. Means "truth".
Truth is a wonderful concept.
Truth is one thing every single person searches for, and the one thing no single person can know and comprehend in entirely.
Since it's overally accepted that if you're interested in improving the world, you should start with yourself, I've decided, even though I'm not particularly interested in changing the world greatly, myself would be a good place to start. A good place to start what? My search for truth. My whole life is about searching for the truth. I get good grades so I can get into a good college and graduate and get a good job and a good life, so my search for truth won't be disrupted. I spend hours each day, not at once, but in short periods throughout the day, contemplating life.
I've been spending the past year or so observing the physical world. I've been reading good books. Ender's Game (and Speaker for the Dead, and Xenocide), Lucas...so many that go unheard of that I end up forgetting the names of. And there are many more I still have to read: the Golden Compass trilogy (I read the first one, and then I read the first two a year later, but I've never read all three), just to name one.
Another thing I've been doing is playing videogames. The Mother series, my favorite videogame series, gave me a lot to think about. In the months it took me to complete the trilogy, I spent the time I wasn't playing the games or occupied with something else pondering the deeper meanings. Even after I finished Mother 3, I spent two weeks thinking of almost nothing else. That was last spring, and I still often think about the symbolism, the things hidden between the lines, the little things that relate to life in ways Itoi most likely never thought about. For instance, the final battle of Mother 3, in my opinion, is not a battle between Lucas and the Masked Man, or the Masked Man and Porky versus Lucas and his friends and family, but between Claus and the Masked Man. When Porky turned Claus into a chimera, the Masked Man was created, but Claus was still inside, just seperate. Almost like he was possessed, I suppose. But fighting his brother, almost killing his dad, seeing Hinawa before him...it really got to Claus, and brought him back to struggle with the Masked Man. The fight goes on, and Claus gains more control of himself, becoming himself again. Then, in one last blow (as he knows he is dying), the Masked Man uses a powerful lightning attack. Both sides of this person know they will die, and accept that. The Masked Man accepts it because he knows he can't win, and Claus accepts it because he knows he can't win against the Masked Man side of himself without dying.
That was probably confusing. Basically, if you've read Xenocide, the way the MM and Claus are the same but different is sort of like aiuas in my opnion. Aiuas begin seperate from the organism, but then become it, not really possessing it but actually becoming it, bringing it to life in a way. Likewise but opposite, Claus and the Masked Man are the same, but become seperate during that fatal battle.
I suppose I've been thinking about what life is worth to me, what the purpose of life is, why life is like it is...it's so confusing I feel lost but I know I somewhat understand it. Sort of like how I have a vague understanding of imaginary numbers (I've never studied them), they're interesting and probably a simple concept, but I haven't figured it out yet.
I hope I'll someday figure it out enough to be content. It seems like as soon as I begin to understand myself, I realize there's so much more I don't know about who I am.
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