In the often-repeated words of a friend, "life sux"

Where to even begin.

Let's start out with something to fill the gap between religion-related topics: after three years of thought, I have realized I was meant to be Unitarian Universalist. Well, my family is Catholic and doesn't understand the point of other religions very well. Today at church my mom made me walk up with them, even though I didn't have any money to add to the collection basket. I was worried she was going to make me talk to the priest after mass. I didn't actually tell her that I now consider myself a different religion, I just said I was seriously considering UU. Now she's probably going to start calling me a heathen if I complain about going to church because I'm sick or something. FML.

Another reason I don't fit in with my family: I am bisexual and can't tell my mom, and have Asperger's and even though it's so frickin blinding obvious, she doesn't believe me. WTF. I'm getting pissed off more and more because my mom is always ignoring me in favor of Adam, who is brattier than ever. Why me?

Also: the second anniversary of my dad's death is coming up, and just when things are going right, we're planning to move. WHAT THE HELL!? I am fairly sure the boy I like who seems like some sort of missing half of me and I'm already friends with likes me back. Also, my best friend who is on the verge of killing either her dogs or herself would go beyond the brink of insanity if I moved and very likely commit suicide.

Despite those huge cons of moving, there are definate pros: there is a nearby (well, about 40 miles) UU church near where we're planning to move. The house we're looking at has quite a lot of property, enough to let the cats roam outside, and it has an indoor swimming pool. Yes, an indoor swimming pool. And a hot tub. It looks like a beautiful house amid an inspiring landscape. I would have the chance to bike, since it's extremely flat compared to here. From the local library, I could have access to any book in the county, and possibly nearby counties as well. And there could possibly be a GSA at the school I'd be attending. I'd have more opportunities for almost anything. I'd be living near relatives. We wouldn't have to pay as much tax, although my mom's salary would be slightly lower and the house payments slightly higher, so that's not much of a difference. And something rather awesome is that we'd have a four bedroom house if we get that house. SWEET!

I'm so torn about moving. Huge cons, huge pros; so much to give up, so much to gain. I think I'll just pray things work out for the best... and that my depressed friend doesn't commit suicide, or even take up cutting or drugs.

Speaking of prayer, something amazing happened today. I really wanted to play "How Great Thou Art" on the piano before my mom got home because she always criticizes when I have new music. I searched and searched and didn't find the music. So I tried to sort of figure it out from memory. I remembered some possible notes it could start on, so I figured out the tune and some of the chords. I realized it wasn't going to work out that well, so I prayed I'd find the music. Shortly after, I had this urge to check in a somewhat absurd place, and whaddaya know, it was there, along with some other good music. "How Great Thou Art" is special to me because my dad's dad played it on guitar (and sung it) at my dad's funeral. It's a beautiful song, and as far as I know, not Christian.

Well, I think that's all of interest so far, not that anyone is actually reading this (most likely). At least it ended on a more positive note.

I don't believe in Hell

A few days ago, I had an interesting but short conversation in school. One of my few friends, and even fewer male friends is a leftie who, like me, is Agnostic, although I lean more towards Unitarian Universalism. Somehow, the devil came up in a conversation between him and one of his friends when they were at the same table as me, and he said he doesn't believe in the devil because he is Agnostic. I said something like, "Why do we need a devil, with the human nature as it is?" And really, why would we need Hell, or even Heaven? The worst hell is life on Earth, and incredible happiness can be gained from life on Earth as well. I think life after death somehow exists, but not in any particular place. My views on life after death are similar to Buddhism: people are reincarnated, possibly as something else, but they are not alwyas reincarnated. This is where I become unsure. Do our souls just end? Do we become ghosts? Do we become something else entirely? Or do we go to Heaven? I don't believe in Hell, but as for Heaven, I don't know.

Thinking about beliefs

Well...I don't know. That's why I consider myself Agnostic. What I do know is a mix of too many belief systems to be sure of. I agree with most of Buddhism and Unitarian Universalism, but I see wisdom in Wicca and Christianity as well. I believe there is one god who rules over our existance, although I do not say for sure that there are not other universes, with other gods ruling over them.

I do believe that this Supreme Being, Great Spirit, whatever, takes on various forms. There is Fate, which determines how the threads of the tapestry can possibly be woven. There is what Catholics call the Holy Spirit, who gives us what we need to get through life. There is what Catholics call the Father, who created the universe in such perfect symmetry and perfection that it can work out in the end.

I do not know if there is a purpose to life. Could it be that God created us for amusement? That would be a sick joke to many theoligians.

But think about it. There are games like The Sims where virtual people are created, and are at the mercy of the person playing the game. There are movies like the Matrix (which I never got to see the end of) in which our world is an illusion. There are books like the Ender series, in which there is a being that is of no species that might just be God. There is an episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa accidentally creates a tiny civilization in a petri dish, who worship her as God and believe Bart to be the devil. She ends up "debiggified" and is in the petri dish, which is in Bart's possesion, by the way. What if there are many gods, most creating at least one universe? What if our planet is akin to a cell in an incredibly huge human being? It would explain why things are going wrong lately, almost like a dying cell. After all, some cells live longer than others. Or our planet could be like an organelle. Now that would be scary.

It's things like the above ranting that are the reason I'm Agnostic.

Boy Scouts of America is evil...

Well, I decided to do some reading on Buddhism. It sounds interesting. But while reading, I came across something somehow, I don't remember how.

The Boy Scouts of America reject atheists, agnostics, and non-heterosexuals.

What. The. Hell.

The BSA is a Catholic-influenced group that practices hypocrisy by saying they teach boys to be good, accepting citizens, but at the same time discriminating. That's just awful. And my mom was considering making my brothers join them!

So from what I read, if a boy scout lies or something, they are counseled privately and kindly. But if they admit to having a less common sexual orientation, they get kicked out. WTF. Sexual orientation is beyond our control, not chosen. You can have a homosexual relationship without being homosexual, but you can't choose to be homosexual. I know from experience. Over time, I gradually realized I had had crushes on female friends, but I didn't realize it for several years.

Anyways, I already knew the BSA were sexist (why aren't girls part of it? Girl Scouts is a pathetic, just plain lame organization), but homophobic and atheist-hating? And why agnostics? I am agnostic, and I believe in some sort of God. I believe in life after death of some sort - either reincarnation or becoming a sort of ghost. I believe Hell does not exist - why does it need to exist if life on Earth can so easily become hell? And if God is so loving, why would he let people get sent to Hell? What happened to the millions of second chances thing? It does not add up.

ANYWAYS, the BSA is awful, and although hatred is wrong, I have to admit, I sure am hating them at the moment.

What is Christmas really about?

For me, Christmas was always about giving presents. I wouldn't have minded much if I didn't get anything, as long as I gave things away. I said it was about Jesus's birthday, to keep the peace, if my mom or grandma ever asked me what I thought. But as I grew older, I've been realizing more and more that for me, it's not about Jesus's birthday. It's about family and friends, and exchanging gifts, and showing you care, even if you have trouble showing you care most of the time.

I had to go to the Christmas mass just a little while ago. UGH. We had to leave half an hour early, and then mass was an hour and a half. Two hours wasted.

Of course, a related issue is Santa Claus. Santa is some other language's word for Saint, and Claus is short for Nicholas. My question is, why don't we call him Santa Nick? Anyways, on Coast to Coast AM last night, they were talking about if it was good to decieve your kids. In related conversations with my mom, she warned me that Adam might ask me if Santa is real. I decided that if he does (which he hasn't yet, to clarify) I will say that I believe in Saint Nicholas. After all, he anonymously gave gifts, kind of like parents saying presents are from Santa when they're from them. It's the same general idea.

For me, Christmastime has different meaning, but perhaps it has more meaning.

Even more religious stuff

I found a couple more Yahoo Answers pages about Catholicism questions, and I read them just to see what people said. I found one answer I liked.

They said that religions are like the story of the blind men and the elephant. They all see a different part of the picture, and interpret it wrong, but if they would've worked together, they could have found out what it was.

So basically, I eventually plan to study many religions to figure out something that seems correct. I remember an epsode of The Simpsons, I think it was a Treehouse of Horror, and I don't remember much, but I do remember Homer died and he asked what the true religion was so that he would know before he died. It was a cross of two religions, I know one was Buddism. I see Buddism as interesting, something to read about at some point.

More religious stuff

So, I was reading this, and I know Yahoo Answers isn't really trustworthy, but there was a good answer, and it was a good question. Or more like many good questions. They're all about Christianity.

I like this part of the answer: "But by reading the Bible, we find that we are all evil, so we shouldn't persecute anyone."

My philosophy is that before you insult someone, to their face or otherwise, you should look in a mirror (figuratively, not literally) and decide if you really should be insulting people. A saying I like is, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." I think it's from the Bible, a parable, to be more specific. Or maybe a gospel. Does it matter?

Anyways, someone sinned, they were going to stone them, but someone (Jesus?) said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Of course, I could be completely wrong about all of this.

I love that quote.